Why is it that a narcissist can be so demanding, yet you ask for one small thing, and you become the most difficult person on the planet?
The word appears quickly where narcissists want to blame, shame and guilt you, and I think it's really important to understand why that is. Specifically you need to be aware that you are not difficult, but rather you've made life less easy for them, and so they punish you.
And the punishment is never small. It's cold silence, a mood shift you can feel from across the room, or the classic, "Wow, you've really changed."
Here's why.
1 Difficult wouldn't be the word I would have always used
Come on, let's be honest here, you aren't difficult. I don't imagine there's a part of you that agrees with me though, especially if a narcissist has gotten into your head and convinced you otherwise.
This is down to the fact that you could really do no wrong at the start of your relationship with them. They loved showing you how spontaneous and loving you were, and how passionate and interesting your life is.
They adored it all about you, and you showed up, talked and connected well. Then the day came where you started to talk about your opinions and beliefs. You spoke more heavily about anything you felt like, and they were opinions that didn't match those of the narcissist.
This was down to having to constantly adjust to them, when in fact, you had your own life and your own behaviors you wanted to express. It was then you became the narcissist's inconvenience.
They decided they didn't like this about you, and before you know it, you went from perfect to difficult in one breath. You've changed. That's what you'll hear, but no. It's simply that you decided to use your voice.
Sound familiar? That moment where you stop nodding along and actually say what you think, and suddenly you're the one who ruined everything.
2 Let me translate "difficult" to what it means for narcissists
Difficult for you: A person who intentionally causes problems. Someone who is dramatic, chaotic, abusive, ignorant, who causes trouble, and who is never accountable for anything they say or do. Difficult for a narcissist: A person who is no longer easy to control.
I think that pretty much covers it, don't you? In truth, yes, difficult people are difficult. You are not that just because you became someone who is inconvenient to them.
That's why the narcissist will always make it a problem that you're turning into someone who is okay and comfortable in standing up for yourself. They're more keen to shut you down than understand you because it's where their ego feels most comfortable sitting.
A woman told me once her husband called her difficult for asking him to text back within 24 hours. That was the whole crime.
3 Narcissists: "Can everything just be effortless please?"
They meet you with the hope that their relationship with you will be nothing but chilled and effortless, and I know you'll believe this, but they really are that self-centered that they believe that'll always be the case. It won't, not if you tick all the 'difficult' boxes.
It looks a little bit like this:
Narcissists want you to never push back. They want you to always agree. They like you quiet. They want you to forgive them before they even get a chance to say they're sorry. They want you to think that everything they're telling you is true, even though they're serial liars.
You do for a time, then you realize you're living for someone else and not yourself, and so you stop. Suddenly, you've created somewhat of an effort for them to adhere to.
See also 6 Things Narcissists Secretly Fear After Hurting A Good WomanThey have to really think about what they're doing with you, because you're not as easy as you once were.
It wasn't something they signed up for, yet here they are feeling as though life is unfair, and they don't know what to do about it other than label you as a problem.
And the label sticks fast. Once you're difficult in their eyes, everything you do gets filtered through it. Ask a question? Difficult. Need a night off? Difficult.
4 The truth is, this was never you
I don't think it's fair to call yourself a problem at any point in your relationship with a narcissist. I think the problem is that this is what you as a victim are led to believe through the words of someone who only wants to hurt you.
For the narcissist, it's as if your personality changed overnight, but we both know that's not what happened. Your authentic self felt as though it was being shrunk and squashed, and you finally said, "I don't want to live this way."
You chose not to. All that time saw you surviving, but this is where everything changes for you, because you rise up from those ashes. There's no way the narcissist could call you difficult when you cancelled all your plans to accommodate theirs.
You weren't difficult when you forgave them for cheating. You weren't difficult when you quit your job to stay home and look after the kids.
You were only difficult when you stood up and said, "No more." Right there and then, the whole dynamic shifted to their narrative and belief that you're to blame for everything, when you know you didn't cause this at all.
You were so easy to be around, but you were taken advantage of, and that's where the truth must sit.
You bent yourself into shapes to keep the peace, and the second you stood upright, they acted like you'd assaulted them. That's the con.
5 Difficult? This is how the narcissist wants that word to affect you
Difficult. The narcissist is hoping this will land. They want it to land with such force that you can never shake it, no matter where you next go in life.
It's as if it's some kind of verdict, read out in a court you were never destined to win in, only it doesn't have to be that way if you reframe "difficult."
Don't wonder if the narcissist is right. Don't start reviewing how you behave, and wondering where you can make improvements.
If you start doing this, all the discomfort the narcissist feels is going to be managed by you, and that's exactly what keeps that cycle of abuse turning round and round. The narcissist is hoping that by calling you difficult, you'll live a life that aligns with that.
You'll apologize for every little thing you think you do wrong (which will probably be everything). I beg of you, don't do that. Don't be that person.
Because the moment you start apologising for existing, they've won the whole thing. And they'll keep raising the bar until there's nothing left of you to shrink.
6 Why shouldn't you take up space?
You're allowed, and you know it! I tell this to all the people who contact me or leave me messages or emails, and it will never change. Why should you be the one who never gets to take up any space?
Why are you filling your life with the demands of someone who doesn't actually love you? They only seem to care about you when you are small and obedient, other than that, you're a problem, and you're difficult. You can disagree, you're allowed to feel hurt.
You're allowed to ask questions the narcissist might frown or gasp at you for daring to speak aloud. So what? It means you're someone with autonomy, and that you are human.
None of it makes you difficult, but the trouble is when you can't see that, and instead choose to believe the narcissist. You were never supposed to have that autonomy that makes you, you. You were supposed to be silent.
When that didn't work, you turned into who you should've always been. For the narcissist, that is a nightmare.
And honestly? Good. Let them have the nightmare. You've had enough of them for a lifetime. It's their turn to sit with the discomfort for once.
7 The moment you stop apologizing for existing
There's a specific moment I want you to picture. You're about to walk into the kitchen, and you catch yourself softening your footsteps. You don't want to disturb them. You don't want to be seen too much. That right there is the apology.
You haven't said a word, but your whole body is already saying sorry for existing in the same house.
And it goes deeper than footsteps. You apologize for eating the last of something. You apologize for feeling tired. You apologize for wanting a hug at the wrong moment. Someone told me recently she said sorry to her partner for having the flu, because he found her being ill inconvenient.
Read that again and tell me it isn't heartbreaking.
The moment you stop doing this is the moment you become a full human being to them again, and they hate it. You start taking up your rightful bit of oxygen in the room, and suddenly the atmosphere changes. That's not you being difficult.
That's you being alive without permission, and it turns out you never needed the permission in the first place.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never Random8 What other people start to notice about you
People start clocking things before you even tell them what's going on. Your sister notices you laughed properly at dinner, the kind of laugh she hadn't heard in years. A friend at work says you seem lighter, or steadier, or just more there.
Someone comments that you're holding eye contact again. You're not fidgeting when your phone buzzes. You're not checking the time to see how long you've been out.
These are tiny things, but they mean everything. It's the outside world confirming what you couldn't quite trust from the inside. You have colour in your face again. Your shoulders have dropped about two inches. You're finishing sentences without qualifying them into oblivion.
And the people who genuinely love you? They don't say, "You've changed," with that cold, accusatory edge the narcissist uses. They say it with relief.
With a soft, "There you are." As if they've been waiting for you to come back to the surface, and now that you have, they're not letting you dip under again.
