As much as a big speech or apology wouldn’t go amiss when the narcissist is in need of being defeated, that’s not what you actually need in this instance.
The desire for them to admit everything they did wrong sounds nice, but in reality, there is one decision that becomes the greatest defeat of a narcissist you’ll ever know.
I want to share that with you today, because I know it will change the lives of all those who have unfortunately suffered at the toxic hands of the person who has abused you for far too long.
And no, it isn’t some grand exit or a mic drop moment. It’s quieter than that. Smaller. But the impact on them? Devastating.
1 It all boils down to you
Are you surprised? Were you hoping that I would tell you that you need to battle them in a war and take all your weapons with you?
That’s not what you need to do, so bear with me and find out what you can really do, because this is still all about you. If you think about all the times the narcissist has wanted your reaction, you’ve given it to them.
Each time they’ve made a move, you’ve flinched. You’ve tried, sometimes in a big heap on the floor, and with all of those reactions comes someone who is handing it all over to the narcissist for supply.
I’ll even go as far to say as every single time you’ve explained yourself to them, you’ve given the narcissist what they want. That’s the entire game for the narcissist; that’s what they’ve wanted all along, and how they have defeated you.
The reason you’re here today is because I want to talk about what happens when you take all of that away. What happens when you decide, “I’m not going to give this to them any more.”
If you think about it, one decision can change your entire life.
One client said to me recently, “I stopped explaining. Just stopped.” And she said within a week, the narcissist was practically climbing the walls trying to bait her.
2 I need you to stop doing this right away
Are you ready to stop explaining yourself? The change can only come when you give up giving the narcissist any kind of explanation, because quite frankly, they don’t deserve it.
Justifying yourself for a little while worked, and I know it probably made you think you were getting somewhere with them. You didn’t. And so now, you give up trying to do it at all.
Okay is your new favorite word, and that’s what you greet the narcissist with every time they try to prompt or probe you into giving them the explanation they can hold against you. Remember; your urge to fill the silence comes from wanting to be understood and finding conflict uncomfortable.
Stop trying to smooth it over and wanting them to be okay, when you’re anything but. All this does is prove that the narcissist is in control, and you’re not.
One word. That’s it. “Okay.” No sighs, no follow up, no soft little addition to keep the peace. Watch how quickly they scramble when there’s nothing to grab onto.
3 When your silence hits the narcissist, this happens
I know for you it may seem oddly uncomfortable to be quiet and to give nothing back to the narcissist. I promise; you’re not being rude, and you’re not being mean.
You’ve spent all this time being some kind of manager to the narcissist’s emotions, and now that silence feels like a bomb is about to go off. They feel that emergency though. They sense it immediately, and will let you know by saying:
Why are you quiet? Why won’t you speak? Why are you doing this; to get back at me or something? Your silence is so immature. Oh fine. Go ahead and ignore me. Each comment acts as a dig.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey want to provoke you into that usual response, and when they see that’s not working, the narcissist will push harder and harder to get what they want from you. Your silence is proving your unavailability, and trust me, that’s a bitter pill for them to swallow.
One client told me her ex followed her from room to room asking, “So we’re really doing this? The silent treatment?” She just made her tea and kept going.
You will watch them start to crumble before you all the while they are standing there waiting for you to fall back into the same pattern. Resist and refuse.
4 The anger that hides the panic
Narcissists love a bit of anger; it hides all manner of sins! The first being panic. The fear for them is that their fear will become public, and so they double down on anger and unleash that into the world.
Right as you get to the point where you stop explaining yourself, you will see the narcissist get louder and louder, and with that, much more dramatic. Every problem is escalated, and it will be accompanied by:
You’ve changed. You’re getting colder by the day. You’re like a stranger to me now. I hate to say it for them, but I love to say it for you:
That’s the point! You aren’t in this to stay the same. When they act like this, they’re showing you that they’re panicked, even though they don’t want to show the world that weakness.
They’re not really upset that you are appearing to be cold, they’re mad that you’re taking away the reality of what they’ve grown used to:
Being in control. It was always because you were second-guessing yourself and making their life easier. When you stop and everything shifts, the narcissist doesn’t know what to do any more.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, “Who even are you lately?” like it was an accusation. She just smiled. That was the whole answer.
5 There doesn’t need to be any drama
Drama? Who needs drama? The only thing you need to worry about when you stop explaining yourself is the fact that you need to keep it up.
No tables need to be flipped, no items need to be launched across the room in anger, this is you shrugging, moving on, and just letting them react however they want. It’s not your problem, and the truth is, it never was.
The narcissist made it so because that’s how they like to make you feel, but all you need is a few choice phrases to help you through this:
I remember things differently. I’m not doing this. Okay. Keep it as low as you need to, and then move on. The narcissist won’t want to; they will want to keep fighting you until you break. That’s not who you are though, is it? Not any more.
So you don’t say you’re sorry because you want to keep the peace, you instead let them know that peace is yours because you choose to leave the drama at their doorstep, and not yours.
And watch how they scramble when you don’t take the bait. They’ll push harder, poke at old wounds, try anything to pull you back into the mess. Let them.
6 What happens next is even more interesting
Narcissists often get to this point and test you. Seeing as you’ve changed the rules of the game, they want to push you to see how serious you are about staying there.
Every trick in the book comes, and they will be that person because they insist on making life difficult for you. Consider it a punishment so that you’ll back off and go back to how you used to be when they had full control of you.
Expect the sudden softness, the “I’ve changed, I promise,” the tears, the flowers, the sudden interest in therapy. It’s all theatre, and the curtain drops the second you soften.
Don’t do that. Stay where you are and keep claiming this newfound sense of freedom. You do not have to answer to them, and you do not have to keep revisiting old ground by arguing over the same thing, and apologizing afterward.
The only way to beat their bad behavior, is to finally see through it.
7 The friends and family they’ll drag into this
Oh, you thought this was going to be between just the two of you? Think again.
The narcissist doesn’t fight alone. They can’t. They need an audience, they need soldiers, they need people willing to knock on your door and ask what on earth you think you’re doing.
Expect the phone calls. Your mother. Their sister. That mutual friend you always liked. All of them suddenly very concerned, very worried, very keen to remind you how much the narcissist has been struggling lately.
“They’re really not doing well, you know.”
“Can’t you just talk to them?”
“You’re being a bit harsh, aren’t you?”
These people aren’t evil. Most of them have only heard one side of the story, and guess whose side that is.
The narcissist has been prepping the ground for weeks, months maybe, dropping little seeds so that when the moment came, they’d have a whole army ready to lobby on their behalf.
Your job is to remember that none of them lived what you lived.
8 Why you’ll want to cave (and why you won’t)
There will be a night. Maybe a Tuesday. You’ll be tired, you’ll be lonely, and your thumb will hover over their name in your phone.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsYou’ll think, “Would it really be so bad to just check in?”
Yes. Yes, it would.
Because caving isn’t about them. It’s about you being exhausted from holding the line. The line is heavy. Nobody tells you that when you finally make the decision, you still have to keep making it every single day after.
And the narcissist knows this. They’re counting on that Tuesday night. They’re counting on the loneliness doing their work for them, so they don’t even have to lift a finger.
So when your thumb hovers, remember what caving actually gets you. Not comfort. Not closure. A reset button on every single thing you’ve already survived.
You went through all of that for a reason. You made the decision for a reason. And a bit of loneliness on a Tuesday, as bad as it feels, is nothing compared to going back.
