You married the narcissist. There’s nothing I can say to make that go away or make it any better for you, but I can tell you that a shift will happen some day.
Through the gradual process of the narcissist getting their own way and eroding your identity, the real danger begins at a certain point of your marriage; and it’s a stage where I’m sad to say, a lot of you find yourselves in right now.
Don’t take it lightly; see it as a message to you that you need to sit up and pay close attention to what you do next.
When the narcissist wants to know your every move, they’ll do anything to make that happen…
1You start to wonder what on earth is happening
Surveillance.
It all starts somewhere, and I’m afraid to say that it will begin sooner than you think.
One of my clients told me that her narcissistic husband used to make comments like, “I saw your car in the supermarket car park this morning. I didn’t think you were going out,” and, “Who did you say you went to coffee with? I thought it was just your sister.”
These comments and questions cropped up more and more, until she started to piece together that he essentially wanted to know her every move when he wasn’t with her.
Narcissists will do this, as it makes them feel as though they can control you when you’re apart. They check the bank statement, commenting, “That’s a lot of money for two lunches. Who else was there?”
Victims even say, “I’ll get a photo next time of us so you know that I’m telling the truth.”
“No, no; you don’t have to do that.”
Only they really make you feel as though you should be doing that, don’t they?
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This screams of wanting more and more power over you, and trust me, that’s already dangerous waters you’re swimming in.
The problem is, it can get a whole lot worse, and it often does.
2Comments the narcissist wants to be casual are anything but
“I was driving past the library and I thought I saw you walking out of it.” “Your location didn’t change all morning. It said you were at the gym.” “Whenever I take that route home, it only takes me 20 minutes, not 45.”
Don’t mistake any of these questions as curiosity; they’re anything but. It’s as if the narcissist is handing you a point that you’re being forced to make. They all say:
“You’re being watched, and I am keeping track of your daily movements.”
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
Is there a need? We all know there’s no need unless something is wrong and you’re stuck somewhere, or your car broke down or something.
These comments also lead the narcissist’s husband or wife to drum up responses that suit them before they even get a chance to be asked.
Victims learn to prepare because they anticipate the third degree.
Don’t tell me that’s not a major interruption to your inner peace right there.
3Dangerous? It starts right here!
Just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, they get a whole lot worse.
When you’re in a marriage where you’re being tracked, you will notice yourself starting to censor your own life.
Before you agree to go somewhere, you think twice about it. What will the narcissist say? Is it going to be worth it?
You think about how to explain stopping off at the grocery store because you genuinely needed milk, and not because you’re having an affair with the general manager.
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You feel a flutter of anxiety when your phone pings because you know you’re going to be asked who’s texting or calling you.
Nobody should have to mentally rehearse anything, yet that’s where you always seem to land, isn’t it?
You’re not a paranoid person, but the narcissist has made sure that’s how you should feel.
It doesn’t feel like it did earlier on in your relationship, does it?
There isn’t occasional ‘anything’ any more. Now it’s constant, and you battle just to get through each day.
Your daily life is being controlled, that’s why.
4Narcissists love to call it love
“Can’t I worry about you?” “You know it’s because I care.” “Why is me caring about you such a huge issue for you?”
Make no mistake, this is not care. This is monitoring your every move because he wants to know your every move.
Caring people don’t install tracking devices. They don’t quiz you on where you are, who you’re with, how long you’ve been there, and how often you do it.
Devotion isn’t about wanting to watch you at all, but if you raise it as an issue, you’re the one with the problem. You’re the one who seemingly has something big to hide, and the narcissist will keep on at you until you give them what they want.
In the end, you think, “I don’t know why I bother. I’ll just let them do and say whatever they need for a peaceful life.”
Love doesn’t look like this, and a marriage shouldn’t be the permission they need to crank up that surveillance.
I know victims really want to hear that they’re loved by their narcissistic husband. They love to hear they’re loved in general, because often they may not have heard that growing up.
Please don’t fall for this being a version of love that you assume it to be just because the narcissist says so.
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It’s not.
5Let's talk about what this stage of marriage with a narcissist means
Tracking your location. Think about that for a moment.
It’s the stage of a marriage that a part of you may want to accept as normal, but it’s not.
Think of it like this:
A narcissist can only control you through their words up to a point. After that, they need more ways to be able to keep tabs on you, and to manipulate you.
Tracking you ticks those boxes, and more. He decided it was something he wanted to do, and once you’re locked in, you’ll struggle to find a good enough excuse to tap out of the apps and explanations.
Technology shouldn’t be used to keep an emotional grip on you.
That is what’s happening here.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
6Your movement should be yours and nobody else's
I get it’s nice to let your husband know where you’re going. It doesn’t need to be that they know where you are every minute of every day though, and when you reach that stage, you should know that things are getting very dangerous for you.
If there was genuine respect from him toward you, there would be no need to know what you’re up to all the time. If you start to notice that shift occurring, it’s not your imagination. I want you to stop for a second and realize what this means, and what else it could lead to.
Read his treatment of you as information.
Use that information as the clearest ground you’ve stood on in a long time.
