I don’t want anybody to ever make the mistake of believing that arguing with a narcissist is anything like arguing with a normal person.
When it comes to these people, you go in believing that you will get somewhere. Your head is clear, and you have some really valid points you wish to raise.
Only, what happens next leaves you feeling confused and guilty, and you are throwing apologies out there like they’re candy on Halloween.
The narcissist has this little game down to a fine art, and they will pull these 6 dirty tricks on you to win every argument you have with them.
1Confusing you so that you forget the issue and instead start to defend yourself
“How did we even get here?”
You find yourself asking that frequently to the narcissist you know because they emotionally drive you to a point where you’re lost, and need direction. Funny how that works isn’t it? The narcissist has confused you so much that you actually turn to them for help.
You ask them a question, and you know they’re going to lie in their answer.
It all starts with something specific that you want to talk about. You have it all planned out, and the narcissist goes to respond, only a few minutes later, everything changes.
You’re there, defending yourself, who you are, why you started talking in the first place. You’re bringing up issues about your childhood, you’re defending the one time you messed up six years ago.
As you’re standing there trying to keep your feet on the ground in this toxic tornado, the narcissist is moving their goalposts so quickly that you can barely keep up. It’s when they feel you’ve cornered them that they truly start to drag up anything and everything they can to worm their way out of it, and you start chasing the argument to want an end to it.
The narcissist buys themselves some time, and you feel exhausted so you end up giving in.
This is far from funny, but sadly a true way a narcissist can get what they want.
See alsoWhy The Narcissist Can't Handle Getting Their Own Silent Treatment Back
2"You're so sensitive"
Listen, we all know by now how gaslighting works. The narcissist’s favorite game is to make you doubt yourself. It makes them feel strong in a dynamic where they rely on your weakness in order to thrive, and this is no exception.
When you start to raise an issue where you genuinely felt hurt, the narcissist will cut into your sentence with their own agenda:
“You’re being emotional again.” “I can’t deal with you when you’re being this sensitive.” “Here we go again.” “You always make something out of nothing, don’t you?”
Like it’s a fundamental flaw of your personality, the narcissist will ensure they’ve cut you down to size, and left you feeling confused by the whole moment.
The problem isn’t then about what they did, it’s about how you felt about what they did, which is just crazy to me.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
A few years back, a client told me her husband would roll his eyes at her every time she wanted to talk, and told her that she, “Had too many words in her mouth.”
What is that, if it isn’t a way to silence someone?
To the narcissist having a feeling is seen as a weakness because that’s what they’ll have been taught growing up. Rather than addressing that tortured part of them, they project it onto every single victim they encounter.
Dirty trick? I’d say for sure.
3The narcissist's volume goes up
We all know this one, I know I do. Volume levels are what the narcissist relies on for most interactions, and that includes when they aren’t wanting to argue.
They love the sound of their own voice, but not because they love themselves. It’s more to do with the fact that they think volume equates to power.
“If I am loud enough, I will silence the peasants around me.”
You’re the peasant.
See also12 Sad Truths You Must Accept Before You Can Ever Defeat The Narcissist
Logic runs out often with these people, and that’s where they revert to their age-old friend, volume.
They shout, sigh, talk over you, repeat themselves, slam doors, and repeat what they have already said in a louder tone, as if it will pack more of a punch.
It’s sad to say the least, but these are narcissists all over, and they do it to pressure you. Don’t think, “Oh, they’re so passionate about what they’re trying to convey.”
This is a lie.
Their thought process is:
“If I shout and yell and talk loudly enough, I will be able to stop your noise and do what’s worked a thousand times before.”
The louder they get? The quieter you go. You’re not silent, but you’re showing them they can’t control your volume.
Your reactions will not be escalated by their vocal demands.
4Bringing witnesses to the table
“Even your father thinks you are too stressy with me.” “I told my friend about our fight last week and trust me, he did not side with you.” “Everyone agrees with me.”
Any more to add to that? I’m sure your experience means you can throw a few in!
Isn’t it funny how everyone seems to side with the narcissist? It’s almost as if they’re telling lies in order to get sympathy and allies…
…Ahem!
Nobody even heard your side. Nobody even knows half of what the truth really is.
Outside opinions shouldn’t matter to you, but the narcissist will use them against you in order to try to win the latest argument they’ve managed to drag you into.
See also10 Signs You're Too Smart For The Narcissist To Manipulate
Designed to make you feel alone and isolated, the narcissist wants to do all they can to show you that how you behave is wrong, even though you’re literally doing everything you can to try to keep the relationship in one piece.
5Swapping you as the victim for themselves
There you are, painfully trying to get your point across, and you’re speaking all the truths.
Right as you get your flow, you’re interrupted.
“I’m astounded that you could even speak to me like this.” “Do you have any idea how hurtful you sound right now?”
You pause, wondering if you went too far. You clearly did because you’ve upset the narcissist, and now you need to comfort them.
You should really stop being so aggressive, right?
No! You aren’t aggressive. You’re trying to be honest, and it’s falling onto the narcissist to the point where they’re firing it back at you as if it were some kind of attack.
I know this trick well, and from your comments and emails, so do you.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
6Using a non-apology to close a situation
“I’m sorry that you feel this way.” “Sorry, but if you hadn’t said what you said, we wouldn’t be arguing right now.” “Okay, fine. Sorry. Is that better for you?”
Not one of the above is an actual apology, yet they’re spoken as if they are.
These are mere conversation shutdowns, and that’s exactly why you run into the same arguments in these upsetting cycles.
No resolution, and that’s the narcissist’s plan all along.
