The narcissist ended the relationship. They said all the hurtful words to you that were so final, and they stormed out the door. You didn't think you'd see or hear from them again, and you thought your healing could begin, and then…
…They're still there. In ways and forms that make you feel like you can't breathe. The narcissist was adamant, and they wanted out, yet refused to leave, and today I want to talk about why that is.
Because this move is calculated, and it's designed to keep you spinning long after the door has apparently closed behind them.
1 Remind me who ended what?!
I'm done here. This just isn't working for me. I think we need to just walk our own paths. The next day comes after you hear all this news, and you get a text, or a call, or an email.
The narcissist shows up where you work, with a smile on their face. They want to check in on you, and they know all the ways to do that. Only, what are they even doing it for? Why bother? They ended things, right?
So they don't really have a right to be checking up on you, especially this soon afterward. Somehow, the narcissist's presence is as much of a plea as it is an attack, so you're more than confused.
You hear their sadness, but also, it's laced with this criticism and rudeness that is surprising, considering you were just silent and didn't start a war of words. This always gets to me really, I mean, who ended what exactly?
The narcissist doesn't have a right to try to pretend like everything's normal while at the same time treating you like their latest punching bag. Why won't they just go away like they said they would?
I had a client whose ex ended things on a Sunday, then rang her Monday morning asking if she'd fed the cat. That was his opener.
2 The mistake is thinking the narcissist wants you back…
They want you available! Narcissists are so good at getting rid of people in their lives who no longer serve a purpose in their eyes. They love to just wipe the slate clean, bring in new people, fresh blood, and new opportunities to abuse.
That's why this might take a little while to understand, but bear with me. A narcissist, when they hold on like this and refuse to let you go, are not doing so because they love you and will miss you.
The reason they're holding on is because letting you fully leave means they're losing something, someone, they're not ready to lose yet. It's you, but it's how they control you that is going to be missed the most. Does that make any sense?
You're there, but it's not who you are, but rather what you provide the narcissist that they stand to lose, and that's frightening for them. If you are leaving on your own terms, that's one thing, but if the narcissist is ending things, it means they get that control.
When you skip off onto your path and start healing, they won't tolerate that for a moment because they can't stand to see you happy. This way, they walk away, and they get to keep that one foot in the door. They want you to feel uncertain. Are you staying?
Are you going? Do you still love me? Do you still want this? Do you miss me? Can we work it out? Can we keep in touch? With you wondering all of this, you're unlikely to walk away and close the door completely, right?
That's the whole design. Keep you second guessing, keep you softly tethered, and keep you emotionally available for whenever they decide they want something from you again.
And that's my point.
3 There is a revolving door that won't stop spinning
It does feel like that when things fall apart with a narcissist, doesn't it?
You're looking for that clean break, but instead you get something that resembles a constant loop of, "Are we, aren't we?" It circles back around and leaves you feeling like you never really know the status of you both, ending up thinking, "It's complicated."
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt shouldn't be. You have every right to a clean break, but it's the narcissist who will end it yet refuse to let you go. They don't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you, either.
The narcissist will loop you back into that cycle by saying things like:
I just miss us. I miss the way we were. I miss going to the lake on the weekend with you. Nobody will really understand you the way I do. I miss just chatting with you. They want to check in. They're concerned. They're being friendly.
They cannot let you go. Despite you taking the hit and needing that fresh start, none of that is possible all the while they're chewing at your heel wanting to still be some kind of part of your life.
Think of it like this; if that door were to close, you'd be gone. The narcissist would have to start from scratch, and quite a lot of the time, that's something they're unwilling to do.
It's an effort to find someone who fits your bill entirely, and so it's easier to keep you around. Hovering near you and making sure they're just close enough to keep you still is enough for them…
…That way, they get the best of both worlds.
Meanwhile, you get the worst of both. No closure, no fresh start, and this low hum of confusion following you around like a bad smell.
4 The door is there, and you are close by. Why?!
You can walk away any time you like, but the narcissist has got you trained to hover by the door. It's open, and on the other side is a world without them where you can be free, yourself, and confident.
You choose to linger by the doorway, constantly stuck between looking out at what could be and glancing behind you at everything that's familiar.
That's down to the cycle of hot and cold you've been dragged through during your time together, and you aren't ready to pull away from it yet. Let me just say, you are ready. You were born ready.
You just need to stop reacting warmly to every breadcrumb or memory the narcissist throws your way because that's not how anyone moves on in life.
The narcissist wants to keep reactivating the part of you that hopes there's some kind of happy ending, but with narcissists, there's no such thing.
Every warm text, every casual drive by, every, "just thinking about you," is a hook. Small enough to look harmless, sharp enough to keep you standing there.
5 If they don't stop refusing to let you leave, this will happen
Every time you go back, you hand back to the universe every part of you that's started to heal. It's as if you're starting from scratch. You cannot move on from someone who refuses to leave. Do you see what I'm saying?
It's impossible to heal when what you're trying to heal from is standing right there before you.
You need to fully be able to have that space in order to form the clarity that shows just who they really are, and what they wanted from you all this time, even now.
Offering you these tiny little previews of someone you fell in love with doesn't mean they're showing you the real you, and you can't live hoping that person will permanently show up for you. The entire point is to get you this confused, and to keep you there.
A confused person doesn't leave properly. A confused person keeps one hand on the door frame, and the narcissist knows that better than anyone.
6 What's the reason for all of this?
The relationship ends, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to leave. They chose to call time, but they aren't choosing to let you go; that's something you have to do yourself. That's down to your freedom and how much you value starting again without the narcissist.
Where do you stand on it? Where do you think your healing begins?
It begins the moment you stop waiting for them to release you. They won't. That job was always yours, and honestly, it always has been.
Cut that control today!
7 The Silent Check-Ins That Aren't Really Silent
The 3am like on a photo from four years ago. The story view at 7pm when they know you post about your evening. The fake wrong number text that says, "sorry, meant for someone else," but hits your phone at exactly the moment you were starting to feel okay.
None of this is silent. Every single one of these micro moves is a message. The message is, "I'm still here. Don't forget me. Don't you dare fully move on."
They know you'll see it. That's the whole point. A view on your story isn't curiosity, it's a tap on the shoulder. The old photo like isn't nostalgia, it's a marker being planted in your day so your brain does the work of thinking about them for hours afterward.
And it works, doesn't it. You spend the next three hours wondering what they meant by it, what they're feeling, whether they miss you. You're doing all the emotional labor while they've done nothing but tap a screen.
That imbalance is exactly the trap.
8 What Your Friends and Family Start to Notice
At first, nobody says much. Then, slowly, the comments start rolling in. Your sister mentions she saw the narcissist's car outside your building. Your best friend asks why your ex is liking your work updates on LinkedIn when you're supposed to be done.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsYour mum wants to know why you look tired again, when last month you looked like you were finally sleeping.
The people who love you can see the tether even when you can't. They notice you flinching at your phone. They notice you talking about the narcissist in the present tense when the relationship is supposed to be past tense.
They notice you cancelling plans on days you got a message from them.
And sometimes they say it out loud, gently. Sometimes they don't say it at all and just watch, worried, from a safe distance.
Listen to them. The people around you are picking up on something you might be too close to see, which is that the relationship ended on paper and only on paper.
