Fighting for a relationship with a narcissist will only get you so far before you realize you're fighting a losing battle. While you're clinging on for dear life, writing out all the composed, heartfelt texts, the narcissist is onto their next.
Your replacement was always out there, and given enough notice, the narcissist will find that person long before you leave the picture. Without so much as a blink of the eye, the narcissist will let you go and put them in the place you once were.
And you'll be sat there wondering what you did wrong, rereading old messages, while they're already booking dinner somewhere new with someone who has no clue.
These toxic people really do have no morals.
1 It happened, and it hurts to even comprehend
It's natural to want to pour everything you have into a relationship, especially when you think you've met the person of your dreams. It's as if all your dreams have come true, as you give your heart to someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
It's not easy to come to terms with the fact that while you were busy doing, they always knew it'd never last.
Soon enough, you get to the point where you are fighting for your relationship, while the narcissist is off looking for a particular type of person to replace you. I say particular because it can't just be anybody who takes your place; they have to meet some kind of criteria.
Once you see what's happening clearly and you get to realize what's going on, it hurts a lot. Every time the narcissist had a conversation with you, they were really treating you like some kind of background noise while they focused on what they really wanted.
Their next move will have felt unknown to you because you didn't think there was one. You were too busy trying to save whatever you could.
And in the quiet moments, you probably replayed conversations wondering what you missed. You missed nothing. They were already halfway out the door, mentally auditioning someone else.
2 Narcissists never leave without prepping first
I'll be honest with you; no narcissist is going to leave their partner until they've found a suitable replacement. They do not like being alone, and will never choose that over sticking around with you even if that's not what they want any more.
The thought of having nobody to go home to really can fill them with dread. The thought of sitting alone with nothing but their own toxic thoughts for company panics them, and that fear is the driver behind making sure there is someone waiting in line.
Instead of waiting for things to fall apart with you, they have a substitution, and that is a confusing time for anyone who assumed they were in a relationship where the other person equally wanted it to work out. We can do this. I don't want us to end.
I'm here through thick and thin. Those thoughts never cross a narcissist's mind, let alone fall out of their mouths. Instead, you're looking more at thoughts like:
Who else is available? Who can I replace you with? How long will it take to work on them? You see? These are people who care so little about others that you just cannot believe someone could be so cold and heartless, yet here we are, discussing them in detail.
I had a client tell me her ex introduced the new girl at the same restaurant they had their first date. Same table. Same order. Cold doesn't cover it.
There's no such thing as impulsive when it comes to narcissists. They plan everything, from who they're going to abuse, to who they're going to love-bomb, to whose life they're going to ruin day by day. You're part of their game, nothing more, nothing less.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
3 You didn't really hear the dialogue, but here it is
When a couple's relationship hits the rocks, if they want it to work, they will try day and night to fight for whatever is left. I just want us to be honest with each other. I believe it can work.
Can we just talk about what is going wrong with us? I feel as though I'm trying really hard. You probably are trying hard, but let me tell you, you're the only one if you're with a narcissist.
As you were asking them to connect with you, they already had one foot out the door wanting to chase the next person. You can't stop that, because as soon as their minds are made up, that's it for them. Once again, they spew the same old, tired lines:
You're the person for me. I can't believe I found you. I think we could have something really special. If it seems like I'm writing familiar lines, it's because I have zero doubt in my mind that you heard the very same ones from the narcissist themselves.
Looking back, of course it feels as though you should have seen it coming, but it's never that easy when you're in the throes of narcissistic charm, is it?
You were being told you were the one, the soulmate, the person they had waited their whole life for. Who wouldn't want to believe that?
If anything, you should forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now. Don't give yourself a hard time.
4 You think you're not enough? Think again!
It's where every single victim of narcissistic abuse's brain goes, and I don't want to be challenged on that. To some extent, you will at one point or another think that you were never enough.
I'm here to correct you, because the brain will go there in order to try to make sense of what's going on because that's its job; to protect you. If only I were more patient. If only I could've been less emotional about things.
If only I was able to communicate in a way they needed. Oh, you could sit here forever and write a list of reasons why you think they replaced you while you were busy fighting for whatever was left, but in truth, you'll never make sense of it.
The only thing you can do is believe that no matter how much you focus on the relationship, you will have never been able to stop the narcissist from looking elsewhere…
…It's what they are all designed to eventually do. You're enough for the right person, and I think that's the take home message I need you to grab for me. No narcissist ever, and I mean ever treats anybody as if they're enough.
That's the whole engine of what they do. Keeping you slightly starved, slightly unsure, slightly reaching. If you ever felt full and secure, they'd lose their grip completely.
5 You are deserving of someone who wants to stand beside you
Good things; that's what you're deserving of. A person who is willing to stand by you through it all, fighting for every last scrap of a relationship they still want to be in; that's who you need and should have.
The real loss here is that you didn't get that, not that you lost the narcissist. This was always going to be someone who was never going to love you with intention. They acted like they did and it felt good, I get that.
That's most of the battle with yourself that you'll have as you watch them walk away; you truly thought it'd work.
And why wouldn't you? You showed up every single day, giving everything you had. Nobody hands their heart over expecting the other person was already shopping for a replacement.
Both people need to show up if a relationship is to survive. Without that, what hope do you have? The only person who was in that relationship fully and authentically was you.
The narcissist was simply waiting for the next you to come along so they could trick that person, and there will be a dozen or more after them, too.
6 The signs were there, but you were too busy loving them
Looking back now, you can probably see them. The little moments where they were checking someone else's story a beat too long. The extra care they took getting ready to go to the gym, or to that work thing you weren't invited to.
The phone flipped face down on the table.
At the time? You were writing love letters in your head. You were planning date nights, buying the shirt they liked, apologising for things that were never your fault to begin with.
That's what love does. It softens the edges of what's actually happening. You give people the benefit of the doubt because you assume they're giving you the same courtesy. Spoiler: they weren't.
And please, do not sit there beating yourself up about missing the signs. Loving someone hard is not a character flaw. Trusting your partner is not stupidity. You were doing exactly what a decent person does in a relationship, while they were doing exactly what a narcissist does.
Two totally different games at the same table.
7 How the replacement is being groomed right now
While you were pouring your heart into fixing things, they were somewhere else running the exact same playbook that once worked on you.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomThe compliments that felt so specific to you? They're saying them almost word for word to someone new. "I've never met anyone like you." "You just get me." "I feel like I've known you forever."
The replacement is being told stories about you already. They're hearing about your "jealousy", your "instability", your "moods". By the time you're officially out, this new person will feel like they're rescuing the narcissist from you.
They're being shown the highlight reel version. The charm, the attention, the future faking. All the things you got in your first three months, they're getting in high definition.
And here's the part that stings. The replacement thinks they're special. They think they've been chosen. They have no idea they're standing in a spot that's been filled and emptied a dozen times before.
They'll learn. Not today, not next month, but they will. The same way you did.
