You're not allowed to do things, but the narcissist is. You probably already know this to some extent if you've had to deal with a narcissist, but how deep and complex this 'one rule for them, one rule for you' gets is what I really want to get into.
Your whole relationship with them will be defined by this one concept, and you're expected to just accept it and get on with things.
And most people do accept it, at first. You tell yourself they're stressed, or tired, or that's just how they are. Meanwhile the rulebook keeps growing thicker.
I'm asking you to reconsider doing that. Here's why.
1 The questions come flying in
Who were you with? Where did you go? Why didn't you call? What time will you be back? Are you wearing that? Why do you have to go out again? Every question you answer, and you answer with speed and reassurance like never before.
You do it this way because you don't want the narcissist to feel a certain way about your plans, or who is a part of them. And so you do everything you have to do. You answer every call you get from them.
You reply to every text, making sure you explain and overexplain wherever you can. You justify wherever you are, because you don't want to be anywhere without good reason.
It's as if you're constantly standing in front of a judge who is either going to let you off or sentence you. You do it because that's the only way to gain a little peace, and even then, peace is never guaranteed. What do you get in return?
That's what I want to talk about, and I believe the answer is a lot more heartbreaking than you'd want. The rule for you to always answer the narcissist is only one way. In return, you get silence.
You don't get an answer to that text, and your calls ring and ring and go unanswered. Plans can get canceled at the drop of a hat, and without any kind of decent reason for you to feel happy about.
Narcissists are even known to disappear for days without contacting anybody and letting them know where they are or even if they're okay. Can't I do anything without being hounded? Why are you always calling me? You scream of insecurity.
You say you're sorry, and that right there is the problem. It's not about both people respectfully checking in and making sure the other is okay, it's about two people living under a completely different set of rules.
One client told me her ex would vanish for a weekend, then snap, "I don't have to report to you," the second she asked where he'd been. Sound familiar?
2 The double standards are all by narcissistic design
You're two people, but you're not unable to figure things out. This isn't a problem you need to give all your attention to until you get to the bottom of how to communicate properly. This is all the narcissist, and it is deliberate.
A narcissist likes it when their victim is loyal and honest, but also when they're available and committed. They want to see their victim willing to do anything to make it work, and that's exactly where you anchor.
They want a stable life, and you give it to them, all the while they get to just get up and do whatever it is they want. If you're too free and busy, independent and confident, you're the narcissist's worst nightmare.
It makes you harder to control, as you're less willing to pause and run everything you want to do by them before you do it. Keeping you waiting, and making you chase them makes you easier to control.
The narcissist knows exactly where you are at all times, and they know you're never far away.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client tell me her ex would text, "Just checking in, where are you?" five times a day. Not care. A leash dressed up as concern.
3 The one way street of 'space'
And here we go again, with another set of rules of the narcissist that has nothing to do with your own rules. The thing with space is that everyone needs it, and our space should be respected. A narcissist wants space, and their space is sacred.
You can't just enter it without a very good reason (and no reason will ever be good enough for them). If you want space? That's where everything changes. Suddenly, you are the focal point of suspicion.
You're immediately up to something simply because you have asked for a little timeout, and the narcissist won't stop pestering you or making you feel guilty about asking for it. Why are you going out? Who with? Do I know them?
Didn't you think to ask me what I might be doing? Fast forward to when they want to go out, and all you hear is:
Don't wait up. I don't know when I'll be back. My phone might not pick up the signal. They don't want to explain, they just want to go out and not be bothered by you.
I had a client whose narcissist would flip if she didn't answer within ten minutes, then go dark for a full weekend himself and call her paranoid for asking.
Hardly seems fair, does it? When you're sitting at home wondering what you did wrong, you should probably consider the fact that they have a set of rules for them, and a totally different set for you.
4 The trap of being in a committed relationship
Narcissists are very good at luring people into relationships, and I don't say that lightly. At the beginning, it's all so intense as they fight for your attention and try to prove themselves as loving, caring people who put you at the center of their world.
You commit to that because it's all you've ever wanted, but what the narcissist does with that is shift everything so you feel like this is your permanent role while they get to dip in whenever they want and get away with it.
One week they're texting you good morning like clockwork, the next you're getting one word replies and being told you're needy for noticing. Sound familiar?
It's an option for them to choose when to show they care, and when to step back and give you nothing. If you were to start treating them the same way, you'll find the narcissist would go crazy. How dare you go cold? How dare you make plans without them?
How dare you be a little quiet? Rules change when the narcissist feels like it, but don't expect to be allowed to treat them how they treat you.
5 Accepting it? You do it because…
You think living in these dynamics, with the unfair comparisons will somehow lead to a peaceful life. The truth is, you didn't ask for these dynamics. You wanted someone you could spend your life with, and thought that's what you'd found.
When you push back on this insane ruling system, you end up being punished for it. The narcissist genuinely doesn't want to see what they're doing wrong, and that's the whole problem.
They'll look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know what you're talking about, I've never done that." And somehow you're the one apologising by the end of it.
You become tired; weary from having to always be on the receiving end of the next injustice you've created. Even though you tried to tell yourself this is love, it's evident that the relationship is anything but.
6 The problem was never you
As I always like to remind people; the problem is never you. The problem is that the narcissist wants everything on their own terms all of the time. You aren't the needy one for wanting someone who is consistent. You're normal.
You want to give out an energy that comes back to you, and as with all narcissists, that will never happen. Your needs don't matter, and that's why it's one rule for them and another for you.
And they will defend that double standard to the grave. "You're overthinking this," they say, or, "Why does everything have to be a big deal?" Classic deflection.
7 The friends and family rulebook
Their friends are golden. Their sister who says something snide at every dinner? Untouchable. Their old college mate who flirts with you at parties? You're supposed to laugh it off and be a good sport.
Meanwhile, your best friend is "a bad influence." Your mum is "too involved." Your work friends are "fake." Suddenly there's a reason you can't see any of them without a whole song and dance.
It's a slow shrinking of your world while theirs stays exactly as it is. You go from having a full contact list to checking in with them before you reply to a text.
And if you ever say, hang on, why do your people get a free pass and mine get interrogated, watch what happens. They'll say you're jealous. Or controlling.
Or that you're trying to isolate them, which, honestly, is a wild thing to hear from the person who has been quietly cutting you off from everyone.
The rulebook isn't hidden. You just weren't supposed to read it.
8 What happens when you finally break a rule
Oh, buckle up. Break one of their sacred rules and watch the temperature in the room drop about thirty degrees.
You said no to something they demanded. You went out with a friend they told you to cut off. You spent money without checking in first. Suddenly, they're not speaking to you. Or worse, they are, and every sentence is a small blade.
"I can't believe you'd do that to me after everything I've done for you."
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never Random"You've really shown me who you are."
"Don't expect me to forget this."
Meanwhile, they've broken about forty of your reasonable expectations that week alone, and you weren't allowed to so much as raise an eyebrow.
That's the whole point of the double rulebook. Your one slip becomes a monument they'll refer back to for months. Their thousand slips? Never happened. You're making things up. You're holding a grudge. You need to move on.
And you sit there wondering how a single no cost you three weeks of punishment, when their nos cost you nothing but silence and swallowed feelings.
