If you're someone who has had to drive through a period of your life where you were abused by the narcissist, I want you to know that it wasn't like typical grieving.
Those who know, know. Without a funeral, and a closure of that chapter, abuse and pain can feel very unfinished.
Nobody understands what you have to mourn, and that lonely journey is something that shows up in your body in these 7 different ways.
Remember, the body does keep score, and these complicated layers of grief you feel won't simply go away overnight.
1There's no clear reason, yet your body is constantly exhausted
8 hours.
The amount of sleep you got last night, in fact, all week, yet you're waking up feeling as though you didn't even get a single minute's rest. Your body feels heavy by 4pm, and you struggle to even get off the couch because you just want to close your eyes and nap.
Narcissistic abuse will keep your nervous system in a constant, low state of alertness. When it's all over and you've walked away from the toxic relationship, you'll still feel as though you are having to scan rooms, gauge people's emotions, and walk on eggshells long after the danger of the narcissist has passed.
Think of all the time your body spent having to brace for whatever comes next:
- A bad mood
- A slammed door
- A critical comment
- Gaslighting
- An insult
- Blame
- Shame
- Guilt
- Intimidation
- Threats
- Silent treatment
It's enough to make anyone feel like they need to hibernate, and then some.
Unwinding and re-regulating after all of that won't come overnight; it can take years.
So when you're sitting home alone, and you're relaxed and feeling at peace, and for no reason at all you start panicking, or your heart starts racing, it's still the remnants of that abuse running through your body.
It remembers.
See alsoThe Narcissist Bows To Nobody Except People With These 5 Qualities
2Your stomach is a zone of chaos
A client told me this once:
"My stomach has not been the same since I met him. I get waves of knots that result in my stomach feeling like it's going to explode. The cramps are terrible, I feel sick whenever I hear the key turn in the lock every evening."
Another client says:
"Whenever we argue, I go straight to the food cupboards. I noticed it a long time ago, and now I know I eat emotionally because it feels nice for a little while, and I get to be in control of that. I feel better after I've eaten something that I like, but I know it's not good for me."
Two very different accounts, one reason why:
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
The narcissist.
Your body responds in these ways, all because the gut is the second brain of the body. It wants to be heard as much as your mind does, and we feed it things, or experience sensations that act as messages you ignore because you're stuck in an abusive dynamic with a narcissist.
It makes total sense that your stomach will not play ball with you if you have someone in your life who isn't playing ball with you either.
3Your chest can physically hurt
This isn't a, "I have to get myself to hospital right away" kind of pain. If the chest pain is severe, then I obviously want you to get to one, but I'm otherwise talking about that weight you feel is constantly sitting on your chest; the one that refuses to budge.
It's hard to talk about, but grief lives in the chest, and that's where you will feel the repercussions of narcissistic abuse.
It will sit there, and it won't move as you think about all the time you wasted on them, all the energy you spent trying to get them to love you, and everything you can't get back.
With narcissistic abuse, you're not just grieving the relationship, you're also grieving a version of this person you so hoped they'd be; the version they initially sold to you as real.
You're grieving the person you were before you met them, too.
See also11 Signs You're Fighting For A Marriage That's Already Over
Do you know how much that is for one chest to carry?
If you weren't aware; it's a lot.
4Your sleep is ruined
Sleep? What is sleep?! If you've been dragged through a relationship by a narcissist, you'll know that you are not a natural at laying down, resting, and allowing your body and mind to switch off for several hours at a time.
The trick to falling asleep, or staying asleep will not come all the while you share a roof with someone who is so toxic. You lay awake at night wondering what you did wrong, what tomorrow will bring, what happened to your confidence, if your kids will one day refuse to talk to you due to the manipulation of your spouse.
Unresolved, dramatic, chaotic, upsetting events will become even bigger at night when you're supposed to be asleep, and you will do nothing but ruminate, leaving yourself tired, confused, and foggy the next day.
Roll that into a lifetime, and you have someone who is very much not coping with life at all, and sees their mental state slipping away by the day.
It's beyond exhausting.
5Your immune system takes a strong hit
Colds that last a lifetime, infections that don't seem to clear up no matter what you try or do. Headaches that go into the next day, and the day after that.
Chronic stress is the arch enemy of your immune system, and it will suppress its function if your body and mind have prolonged access to it.
The narcissist is 'it.'
You aren't weak, you're surrounded by darkness that is eating away at your very identity.
And it's all coming from one person.
6Your body flinches when it should be relaxed
See alsoWhat Makes The Narcissist Evil Isn't Anger. It's Something Far Worse
Little noises, a certain tone of voice, a specific sound, or a sigh from the other room.
You hear it, and you flinch.
What's normal about that?
Nothing.
Your body has learned how to react to what it perceives as danger, and it triggers a full response from you.
That doesn't mean your body is broken at all; it means you are reading danger so regularly that your nervous system just doesn't know when or even how to shut down.
Allow yourself a little grace. You've been through so much.
7The tension through your body makes you physically pained
Muscles ache because they are constantly held tense by your body. You're waiting for bad things to happen.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
You're waiting for a door to slam. You're waiting for the next time you're told you're a terrible, unlovable person.
Even when you're sitting on the couch resting, you're not relaxing. Your body wants to make sure it's always ready for the next battle, and so it learns to brace for impact, whenever that may be.
That's why aches and pains show up. Headaches, back pain, frozen necks and shoulders; they all point toward the same thing.
It's just you who needs to see what this is: narcissistic abuse locked into your body, quite literally.
The good news is, you can release it over time. You just have to know the reason why you feel how you feel, and use that to unlock a little physical freedom from your past.
