No narcissist likes to have a haunting of their past lurking in their heads, but there is a special kind of person who gets to claim that spot, and it's the person who left.
It's because they left that makes this so bitter for the narcissist (and sweet for us).
This is a person who left not just physically, but who reclaimed themselves in a way the narcissist will never be able to recover from. To never be able to forget means the narcissist will never truly be free from what you took from them.
You took their ego, and you stomped all over it in these three ways. I'm sure you'd be satisfied to live each one out, and I hope someday, you do.
Narcissists don't really care about anyone
Before we hit those three ways, I need you to think about this for a minute.
No narcissist wants you to believe they care about you, but by that same respect, I need you to understand what 'caring' consists of in their minds.
You think, and maybe want caring to be that they love you, and want to spend forever with you.
This is not that.
Caring means caring about you being around. Caring means caring that you admire them, and paying them close attention. Caring means showing them affection just so they can reject it, or claim you're too needy.
When the narcissist moves on quickly, it's not because they didn't care. It's also not that they cared how you wanted them to; it's because you left them alone, and that's what matters to them.
See alsoThe Day You Stop Believing The Narcissist's Lies Everything Changes
It's hard to get your head around, isn't it? That someone who is with you, doesn't care about anything other than you being a source of supply to them.
It looks like they care about you, but in reality, if you weren't there, you'd be replaced by someone else who fits your mold entirely within a heartbeat.
That's a hard truth, but you still leave a mark on the narcissist. The fact that they'd replace you so quickly when you leave means you left them alone with nothing but how rattled it made them.
That's why they have to find someone else, to block out the noise you've left in their head.
1You refused to lose yourself in the narcissist's abuse
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The first way you stayed in the narcissist's head long after you left is this!
You were the kind of person who used to do all the usual people-pleasing and bending over backwards to please the narcissist. Now you're someone who one day got sick of who you saw when you looked in the mirror, and decided to change.
Sure, you held on, and I commend you for that. When you love someone, you want to do everything you can to make the relationship work, and you can become blinded by the fact that the other person is doing everything to destroy it.
You held on until you decided your boundaries were worth far more than any other person, and so you reclaimed them and put them right back where they belong: around you.
Doing that, you ended up saying, "No" to everything the narcissist demanded of you, and this would've come as a total shock to them.
The narcissist, in turn, was never fully able to solve you. They were hoping their abuse would erode you to almost nothing, so that you were small enough to feel like you couldn't live without them.
Instead, you built yourself back from being shrunk, and you gave them nothing to feel they won with.
See also9 Things Narcissists Say To Slowly Destroy Your Confidence
This drives any narcissist crazy, as you know. They can feel the shift in your character as you tell yourself, "No more."
Your resistance made you someone the narcissist was never able to forget, and I personally think you should be proud of that.
2You saw through every part of the narcissist
When the narcissist's mask slips, you're the one who sees the person behind the mask. The charm falls down for a moment, and those dark, sunken eyes of a toxic abuser reveal themselves.
The narcissist saw you seeing them, too.
I am sent messages frequently about how the narcissists you know just cannot deal with that. Something in them never reverts back to how it was before you saw through the lies; being exposed is their biggest fear.
It doesn't matter that it was just you, it's that it was someone. You have to remember that these people spend years building that image, and you watch it fall away in one second.
Your look told them, "I'm not buying this any more." You meant it, too. You broke a huge part of their ego right there, and in turn, they threw it back in your face through fear.
"You're so paranoid." "Why do you always have to twist every little thing?" "Your dramatic behavior is exhausting to watch."
This is panic, people. Nothing more, nothing less. The narcissist wants to get you back under control, and they cannot escape that as it eats away at their own minds.
They will never get over you finding out the truth, and the paranoid that comes with remains alive and well for a very long time.
3As you left, you left with your dignity remaining
See also8 Signs That Confirm You've Beaten The Narcissist And They're Fully Aware
Narcissists enjoy their victims leaving kicking and screaming. It gives them a certain sense of satisfaction to know that whatever reaction they get from their ex, is a sign that they're still thought about, and were once cared for in a strong way.
If an ending is filled with chaos, they are at their happiest. It's therefore the narcissist's dream to see you in the driveway in tears, banging on the door begging for another chance, and falling apart in a way that leaves them feeling elated.
All of the above makes you look crazy, and makes them look like the reasonable one, which fits perfectly into the narrative they write for themselves that they share with the world.
The more emotions you have, the more you're writing the ending for the narcissist.
So, what happens when you leave in a quietness the narcissist can't twist? What happens when you leave holding onto your dignity, knowing the narcissist has nothing there to work with?
You aren't crazy. There's no drama. You aren't crying. You aren't begging or calling or texting. You leave, and you're gone for good.
You leave the narcissist pained.
They ask themselves, "Did I not mean anything to you? Did all those years of control and manipulation fall flat?"
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
You survived whatever abuse they threw at you, and you're happy to be leaving this dynamic that you've been trapped in all this time, and it feels good.
Clients tell me all the time how empowering it is to walk away and cut the line.
Just know though, that in doing so, you're going to drive continuous thoughts the narcissists way, and they won't be able to shake the reality that you left with nothing to say, and no care in the world.
That hurts the most.
