Narcissistic abuse does something to a survivor after they've gone through their journey from hell. Not everything about life is the same, and that's exactly how they know how to read danger.
It's certainly a skill to be able to spot someone who is this manipulative, and I don't think people would know how to do it if there hadn't been that terrible period of time.
I want to talk about why it's so fast, and why you had to earn it the hard way.
1Start seeing those patterns
Narcissistic abuse is sadly one of the most overlooked types of abuse there is. We talk so much about what it is like to be abused in individual ways, whether it be a slap or a punch, being neglected, being intimately abused, or financially abused, that we don't often group it all together and talk about the types of people who are capable of such things.
Surviving a narcissist means you've survived so much, and what you've been through means you know exactly what to look out for in people.
You spot traits; little signs that someone is being a little too charming for it to be believably genuine.
It isn't that you're necessarily suspicious, but you see what you see because you know it. You've lived it.
See also5 Signs You Are Healing After Narcissistic Abuse, But It May Look Like You Are Falling Apart
You've experienced it. It tore you apart and you fixed yourself, but you didn't forget how it made you feel.
So when you see someone overly complimenting you, or looping every conversation back to themselves, or the way they scan a room while talking to you to check who's watching, you know the person who is standing right in front of you.
Your radar senses it, and you catch it all, every single time.
2Your radar goes off, and this is what you notice
See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse
That radar! It's a beautiful gift that only a survivor can know how to tune into the best.
Almost immediately, survivors of narcissistic abuse will notice:
The over-introduction. "I'm a pretty big deal here. I'm the CEO. I rule the roost. I'm the one people always go to if they need any help." These aren't brags a truly confident person would dream of making; they're empty, egotistical, dominating comments.
The story of being a victim that is always delivered far too early. You've been talking to them for just a few minutes, and they're already telling you how poorly their ex treated them, or how their boss never appreciates anything they do. Nobody gets them, they're misunderstood, they work so hard for little back. You tilt your head and see through all the babble to notice someone who is anything but a victim.
The way they mirror you. Narcissists love to agree with everything you say, laughing when you laugh, touching their face when you touch yours. They want being with them to feel so magical and almost electric. It's not supposed to, but people unfortunately get sucked in and believe it all to be true.
The digs that sound like they're meant to be compliments. "You're brave for wearing that top." "I love that you don't care what anyone thinks about you." You smile, but actually you feel uncomfortable, and that's because it wasn't a compliment; it was a dig at you dressed up to look pretty and warm. You know better.
See alsoThe Woman A Narcissistic Man Left Behind Tells You Everything About Him
The way the narcissist makes you feel like you're the single most important person in the whole world. At the same time, they make you feel like that importance is something you have to earn and chase, otherwise they will lose their interest in you altogether. Weird, right? Why would someone do that? Because they're a narcissist.
You lived it all, which is exactly why you know it all.
3Survivors can easily tune in, and I want to talk about why
All that time you spent with a narcissist, you will have lived alongside a nervous system that was fired up for constant alert. It's not something you'll be able to name right away, but the more your body sends you warning signs, the more you'll be able to see just how much overload it's had during that time.
From the ways you learned to read the narcissist's moods just from the sound of their footsteps, to figuring out whether the way they've walked in the door from work tells you if they're in a good or bad mood; it all counts. These and much more are all messages you're receiving that you have learned to filter and notice.
- "Will I have a good or bad day with this person?"
- "Do I need to shrink myself?"
- "Am I safe?"
None of this meant you were weak; they all meant that you had to survive somehow, and this was how.
Even though now you may not live with or have to tolerate that narcissist, it will be something that you live with, and everything you've had to notice works in your favor.
Your body flags up warning signs when your brain hasn't yet consciously clocked what's going on. If you feel uneasy talking to someone, it's because you remember which signs to look out for.
You notice when people perform. You can tell when inauthenticity is in the room with you. You pick up when stories keep changing.
You're experienced, and that is this very experience doing its job for you.
See alsoWatching a Narcissist Lie About You and Saying Nothing Is the Hardest Skill There Is
4Here's how they spot master manipulators a mile away
If you've got a minute with a manipulator, they will do at least one of the following:
- They will make the conversation you have with them about them, and whenever you try to speak, they will respond with, "Oh yes I know how you feel. That happened to me…"
- They test your boundaries in small ways to see what happens. They may reach out and touch your arm a few seconds longer than usual, or make a comment to you that feels a little too personal for comfort. They want to see how you'll respond each time, and what they can get away with.
- They create intimacy by forcing it. "I feel like you're really good to talk to." "I don't normally open up this fast with people."
- They drop whatever name or achievement they can to make themselves look good.
If you clock any of these, you know you're speaking to someone who isn't all as they seem. You trust what you feel because you have felt it before.
5Don't treat your instinct as anything other than a gift
It isn't unusual for a survivor of narcissistic abuse to feel embarrassed at how quickly they catch it. It shouldn't be something that makes you feel or act like a guarded person.
You're just sifting through the toxic people in order to find the good ones, and there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, I wish more people did this, to be honest!
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
You went through a shocking time with the narcissist. Hardly anybody will understand how you feel and how you see the world as a result, but you aren't broken.
What you've got from your past is an opportunity to never get tangled up with those kinds of people ever again.
Nobody can take that from you.
