As painful and confusing as it can feel; you are likely to have experienced narcissistic discard.
Once the pain subsides, you learn to move on, but out of the blue one day, they return. If it wasn’t bad enough that you were treated that way, the narcissist appears to be back for more.
I know it’s easy to sit there and assume or hope that they’re back because they missed you, or realized exactly what they lost.
This is where I step in and tell you the real reason, and I want you to prepare for it, because it’s pretty dark.
1They feel, but not in a way you think
No narcissist simply ‘reaches out’ after they’ve discarded you. They don’t sit at home, wondering why they behaved so terribly, and want to try anything and everything to make it up to you.
Something is always going on underneath the toxic surface that you know and recognize.
They call it missing you, and they dress it up like it’s the truth. I don’t agree with this, and neither should you.
It’s a lie, fabricated to re-hook you back into their game, but it feels good. That’s because it scratches an itch you’ve been waiting for.
You’ve wanted to hear these words for a long time, and here the narcissist is, telling you that they haven’t stopped being able to think about you.
In turn, your response scratches their itch; the kind of itch that tells them they’re out of supply and need more, so they turn back to you.
You made them feel validated. You powered them up and showed them they’re able to control other people. Maybe this wasn’t intentional, but it’s how you reacted to their charm that worked for them.
This was never about you, simply only what you can offer the narcissist.
2I’m checking in
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It’s a strong line, isn’t it? It can come from the narcissist with so many other enticing statements, too:
“I was thinking about you.”
“I’ve been missing you so much.”
“I’ve wondered how you are.”
“I saw something and it reminded me of you.”
“Do you remember when we went to the city for that snowy weekend?”
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“I don’t have any hard feelings, I just want a conversation.”
“I know things ended badly, I just want to make it right.”
Romantic as they may seem, these are the kinds of lines that hit and really stick with people who are heartbroken or looking for answers. They’ve tried to give themselves closure, but then the narcissist comes along and opens up everything all over again, and all because they know they can do this weird ‘systems check’ of your heart.
Are you willing to engage? They make it difficult for you to say no. Could they get what they want from you if they really tried?
They hope so. These are the kinds of exercises the narcissist is willing to undertake in order to find out.
They’re checking in, but the only thing they’re checking on is your reactions, and not you.
3The discard that was never going to be final in their mind
For you, the narcissist discarded you and everything felt so final. It was the hardest, darkest line drawn under something you thought would last forever.
I know that hurts. It’s the biggest shock when everything is taken away from you in a single moment, and you don’t know what to do with yourself.
How do you function? How do you move on? Should you still hope?
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All these things and more are in your mind, and you’ve had to grieve it all.
The narcissist meanwhile, walked away without a single scratch, and that has to be the most painful part of all. It’s like you didn’t matter to them, even though they spent so much time telling you that you did.
And just like that, it’s over…
…Or is it?
What you thought was final, turned out to be nothing but temporary to the narcissist. They do this and never really close the door because they live for leaving you in a wild state of confusion.
Sadly, it’s the kind of power move that keeps you available to them. They know that at the drop of a hat, the click of a finger, you’ll come running back because you always do.
They start a new relationship, and if that doesn’t work out, they fall back to you every single time, and you accept them back into your life.
You’re constantly thinking about them, and so you never really get to live a full life; you’re too busy thinking, “What if? When will they…? How long will I wait this time?”
As soon as a new supply of theirs starts asking too many questions, they revert back to you, their good old safety net with a wide and vast history of forgiving them.
4The dark answer that serves as a reality check
A narcissist who reaches out to you is not interested in you. They don’t love you. They don’t miss you.
They don’t regret how they treated you. They haven’t changed.
They are not holding themselves accountable. They aren’t longing to make things right with you.
The narcissist reaching out after they’ve discarded you is all about control.
You were once theirs, and they miss that. They miss knowing that they were able to control you to the point where it really felt as though they owned you.
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They can’t stand not having that any more, and that your life now may consist of something good that they had no part in helping you create.
Narcissists don’t like losing anything that belongs to them, and seeing as they feel you belong to them, they’ll be equally miffed.
You’ve changed.
No. You just don’t want to return to the scene of the fire that broke you.
You seem different.
Yes. You’ve been forced to heal from a situation that broke you.
Missing the relationship has nothing to do with why they’re pulling you back. It’s that you leaving for good was never actually part of their plan.
5Letting the narcissist back in creates these consequences
It’s so tempting to think that ‘the love of your life is back’ and so you must start to build a relationship that you never thought you’d get a chance to repair.
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What you’re actually doing is restarting the cycle all over again, and showing the narcissist that you’re willing to do it over and over again.
If you do that, it will remain a cycle. You’ll feel good for a few days, then the narcissist will soon start to work their toxicity again, leaving you sinking yet again into this version of yourself that you loathe.
You don’t owe them closure, or a second chance.
You owe yourself a second chance at trying this thing called life without the narcissist trying to control you or tell you what to do.
If you keep the cycle pumping, you’ll never know what it means to be emotionally free from these people.
That’s not how you really want to live, is it?
