If someone hates you, why are they sticking around?! I know; it makes zero sense, but we are dealing with narcissists, and they were born to never make any sense. With these people, their hate is real.
They want you to feel that hate, so you end up hating yourself more and more each day. That is some reason why the narcissist chooses to stay, but trust me, I haven't even touched the surface yet.
Staying is the punishment. Leaving would be a gift, and narcissists don't hand out gifts to people they've decided to resent.
1 Staying? But… why?!
I know it doesn't make the most sense in the world, but I want you to think like a narcissist for a little while.
Narcissists love to win, and no matter what they're doing, they want to ensure they're doing it well enough to always look like they know it all.
They cannot run the risk of looking like a fool, and so they do things sometimes that they may not necessarily pick to do first.
This is one of those occasions, where a narcissist may hate you, but leaving would make them look like the bad guy to everyone else, and that's a risk they can't fall into taking. They stay, and they win.
If they left, you'd win, because you could then claim how much of a victim you are in all of this. Not only that, but if the narcissist were to walk away, you'd start getting your life back.
There would be a layer of peace that washes over you, and the narcissist can't bear the thought of you having anything this good all because they stepped away and inadvertently handed it to you like that. Their job is to make you suffer, not make you happy.
Control is the fuel of any narcissist, and if they are staying, they're also staying in that control and you're as helpless in your dynamic as you ever were.
I had a client tell me once that her ex openly said he couldn't stand her, then rearranged his whole week to make sure she couldn't breathe without him knowing.
2 "Without me, you're nothing"
Sounds like something every narcissist would say, isn't it? That's because it is. They love to remind you that the only reason you're someone, is because they're right there with you.
Let me tell you, it's very possible to be someone without a narcissist by your side, but it's in the way they all convince their victims that makes that reality seem so impossible. You think you'll find someone better than me? Good luck!
You know I've got you to where you are. You'd never have managed without me. Nobody else would put up with you the way I do. These aren't the words of anyone who's about to pack their bags and walk away.
These are the words of a person who wants to make sure their grip on you is so tight that you can't imagine wanting to walk away.
You've been made to feel like everything you're staying for revolves around the narcissist, and you're programmed to fear life alone or without them.
That is so wrong, but you know, the narcissist's plan is to stay right where they are, and so you're not going to sway them to leave even if they absolutely despise you.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseFor them, the ideal place is with you, planting constant seeds of doubt in your mind and making sure that you never have the courage to call time on the relationship. It's a bold, yet toxic move, and it's as calculated as it is cold, too.
It doesn't feel like a move at all, though, and that's what can keep victims stuck for as long as they are.
And the scary part? You start to believe it. You start measuring yourself by their yardstick, forgetting you had a whole life before they ever showed up.
3 Their hate for you becomes the hook that keeps you locked in
It's horrible when you're someone who just wants to make everybody else happy, and you pick up on the fact that someone doesn't like you. For whatever reason that may be, you're told you're not good enough, or treated in a way that isn't kind.
It's as if you want to chase their admiration for you. You want their approval, and you need their validation, and so you do what it takes to be able to receive that. Let me just say:
You will never achieve that with a narcissist. You're never going to get to a place where they truly like you, and make that obvious.
You therefore don't want to leave, but you want to try everything you can to stay and fix whatever problems arise so you can both get to this good place that only exists in your mind.
The narcissist needs you in that confused state, because it's where they feel you're easiest to control. If you're confused, you're likely to be exhausted, which means you're not going to be able to focus entirely on them.
The narcissist, right there, will have a great excuse as to why then, they can so openly hate you. If you're spinning on the spot, you're not leaving either, and so the two of you remain stuck.
Sound familiar? That endless loop where you're always almost getting it right, always one apology away from being loved properly. That loop is the whole point.
4 The narcissist is always in dire need of an audience
Narcissists love an audience, and they are constantly on the lookout for who is next looking out. The reason why they always need someone to perform for is that they find a use in that person.
Even if they hate you, you're still some use to them if you continue to watch and play their game, and that's what they hang onto. A narcissist is looking for your reaction. They want to see you cry. They love your anger, and lean into your silence.
Even when you are in the middle of an argument and try to calm things down, they love that you want to be in that happy place. If they left, you'd no longer be that audience any more, and that's not something they're willing to put themselves through.
An empty room is their worst nightmare, and it makes them feel as though they've been abandoned. There's zero chance they'll let that happen, so they stay, even through all that hate, they will not budge.
Think about it. Why would they walk away from a front row seat to the very show they've spent years directing? Empty theatres terrify them more than you do.
5 Things the narcissist says that sting
I'm only here because of the kids. I jointly own this house. Living separately makes no financial sense. With a narcissist, there is always a reason.
They will give it to you in order to stay, and will almost seem like they're thinking of the logical thing to do, but that won't mean they're the real reasons. I want to offer you that instead:
The real reason is that leaving would take away the one person they've conditioned and programmed to absorb all their abuse and games. If they are walking away, they've got to start all over again. That takes time and energy, and not all narcissists are willing to do that.
For you, that means having to make a big decision. If you're waiting for the narcissist to leave, you could be waiting forever.
The choice to part ways will probably have to come from you, and that isn't fully fair, as you will never feel ready to be on your own if you're told that's where you won't cope. Let me tell you, you can, I promise you that.
The narcissist banks on you thinking leaving is impossible. Every sting they land is another brick in that wall, and every brick is placed on purpose.
6 The Silent Punishment That Keeps Them Comfortable
Silent punishment is the narcissist's favourite dish, served cold, and served often. They don't have to shout or slam doors. They just withdraw enough affection to keep you unsettled, and offer just enough presence to stop you leaving.
It's the perfect setup for them, because they get to hate you without any of the fallout that a real confrontation would bring.
Think about the cold shoulder that lasts three days. The half answers. The sighs when you walk in the room. The way they suddenly become very interested in their phone the second you sit down next to them.
None of it looks like abuse from the outside, and that's exactly why they lean on it so heavily. It's deniable. If you call it out, they'll say you're imagining things, or being dramatic.
For the narcissist, this quiet cruelty is comfort. They punish you without lifting a finger, and they never have to face the mess of actually leaving. Why would they walk out when staying and stewing works so well?
7 Hating You Costs Them Nothing
Hate is expensive for most people. It weighs on you, keeps you up at night, makes you question yourself. Not for a narcissist. Their hate is free. It doesn't nag at their conscience, because there's no conscience there to nag.
They can hate you over breakfast, sit across from you at dinner, and sleep soundly the same night.
That's why leaving makes no sense to them. If hating you drained something out of them, sure, they'd walk. But it doesn't. It costs them zero effort, zero guilt, zero sleep. Meanwhile, it costs you everything. Your peace, your self-worth, your ability to relax in your own home.
They get to hold onto the house, the routine, the shared friends, the version of the story they want people to believe. And you get to carry the weight of being hated by someone who feels absolutely nothing about carrying it themselves.
It's a lopsided arrangement, and they know it. Why would they end something that only bleeds one of you dry, and it isn't them?
