What do you honestly think? Do you see a narcissist to be self-reflective enough to regret anything? If you've answered no, you'd be right, but it's much more complex than just a simple, short delivery. It stings, like nothing before if you truly love somebody this toxic.
You think about what they did to you, and wonder if they're thinking about it, too, capturing the weight of it all. They aren't. That is what they do when they know they've destroyed you.
You lie awake picturing them lying awake too, matching your ache with theirs. That mutual suffering you imagine? It's a story you tell yourself to feel less alone.
1 The narcissist thinks about this version of you
I don't want you to ever read or believe that the narcissist never thinks about you, because I'm here to confirm that, yes, they do. However, as with anything to do with narcissistic abuse, there's always a catch that follows soon after. Here is this catch…
…The version of you the narcissist misses isn't really who you are. It's not the real person you are. If you were the narcissist, you'd not be missing the patient, kind, loving, forgiving soul that you are.
It isn't the person who made them feel like they were truly one of a kind. You loved them harder than anyone ever has, but again, that's not what they're sitting at home thinking about.
Instead, there are a few other parts of you that the narcissist starts to crave, and I'll start with you being their main source of supply. You were someone who was always there to provide what they clearly took from you. Now let's talk about you being their largest audience.
You're the ones who unknowingly paid tickets to their show, and clapped for them when they demanded you to. In other words, put simply:
You were the one who made them feel chosen, special; above everything and everyone. Once that's gone, it will be quickly noticed by the narcissist, who struggles to live a life without you providing that for them.
They don't miss you brushing their hair back or the way you laughed at their bad jokes. They miss the mirror. You were the shiniest one they had.
2 They say they didn't mean to hurt you… Are they being honest?
It's hard not to believe a narcissist when they're trying to be so humble and honest with you, but you have to trust me that even this is a lie. They act this way as another form of manipulation, and if you're unlucky enough, you'll believe them.
For example, you'll notice a narcissist drop the following to get you to believe they feel some kind of remorse:
I wasn't perfect, I know that. If it means anything to you, I did care about you. I know I've messed up along the way. You hear these words, and they sound like music to your ears.
Of course, it's so nice to hear them and even nicer to believe they're true and sincere. What those words are instead doing, is something very specific. They make the narcissist appear to be accountable, but actually, there's no accountability there at all.
It's like putting on a costume and pretending to be someone the other person wants you to be; it's not real though.
If the narcissist were truly filled with remorse, you'd hear, "How can I make this better?" "What did I specifically do to make this as bad as it is?" "How can I not do this again?"
A narcissist? They say, "How is this making me look in this moment, and will they come back?"
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseSee what the difference is? I hope you do, because when you start to notice it, you'll find it easier to know what's really going on.
A woman I spoke with recently told me her ex said, "I know I wasn't the best." Three months later, same script, brand new woman on his arm.
3 The question is, does the narcissist lose sleep?
Well, I am going to be totally honest with you here. In the quiet moments where the narcissist thinks about what they've done, there is a part of some of them that does feel something.
Before you jump up and down and think that they do love you, I want you to be certain here that they don't. For the narcissist, this is more about losing control. Not just in general, but specifically losing control of you.
They think of you when that song comes on, and they drive past a place you were both familiar with. It's not a feeling of guilt of having ruined your life or destroying your confidence; it's more about the loss of everything you gave them. Everything you did for them.
The tears you cried over them that made them feel like they meant something to you. It's an ache, but I need you to know it's a very different kind of ache.
You were like their supporting actor in their movie, and without you, they've got nobody to make them look good. That's what hurts for them, and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the love you wish they had for you.
That love doesn't exist; it never has and it never will.
Sound familiar? That song comes on for them, and the first thought isn't your face. It's how empty the passenger seat feels without an audience in it.
4 Who is the honorable person they ripped apart?
You! It was always going to be you. That's why this entire topic exists, to show you that you are the one who the narcissist made all these promises to, and so you stayed for as long as it took for you to see how empty those promises were.
Change never happened, and you eventually saw that. This is why you left, and why you walked away aching from all the different ways the narcissist used to twist you into these impossible shapes that never fit any of their demanding posts they made you try to fit into.
You gave everything you could, and for what? Ultimately, nothing. You were someone who deserved far more than they got, and that's the hardest lesson for anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse to be able to deal with.
On some level, the narcissist knew what they had was real, they just don't, and will never, know how to deal with reality. They're scared of it because 'real' involves a level of vulnerability that no narcissist is prepared to explore.
It was good, but again, that wasn't something the narcissist was prepared to admit or face. Honor? They know nothing of it. You want them to, but they never will.
Honor asks you to sit with what you've done and let it change you. A narcissist would rather set the whole house on fire than sit in that chair.
5 You need to know this one thing…
There will be no phone call of regret in the middle of the night. The narcissist isn't going to surprise you with this call that proves they're wrong. It was my fault! I did it! I caused this! Blame me!
That's the kind of conversation that will live in your head, but it's not real, and so many victims hold onto that fantasy because they want it to be true.
Believing it will only end up keeping you stuck forever if you let it, and that's why it can feel impossible to move on. You're waiting for the kind of closure that you can actually give yourself, you know. That control is yours for the taking if you grab it.
Build it; build a life for yourself that nobody can destroy. Love yourself before you try to love again, and take your time in getting to know that person before any promises are exchanged or made. Only then will you heal and grow.
The closure you're waiting for is already in your hands. You just keep setting it down on the table, hoping they'll pick it up first. They won't.
6 What About the New Supply? Do They Get Compared to You?
Yes. Yes, they do. From the moment the new supply enters the picture, they are being measured against you, whether they know it or not.
Here's what that looks like in practice. The new person pours a coffee wrong, and the narcissist thinks about how you always got it right. She laughs at the wrong moment, and he remembers your laugh landing exactly where he wanted it.
She pushes back too early, before he's had a chance to properly hook her, and suddenly he's missing how pliable you were in the beginning.
It's not flattering, though. Please don't read that and think, "Oh good, they miss me." They miss the ease of you. They miss how efficiently you delivered what they needed without them having to work for it.
The new supply is a project. You were the finished product. And projects are exhausting when you've had someone who already knew every line before you asked them to say it.
She'll figure it out eventually. They always do.
7 The Fake Apology Years Later
It might come, you know. Years down the line, out of nowhere, a message pings on your phone. "I've been thinking about you. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry." Your stomach drops. Part of you wants to believe them, because who wouldn't want that vindication after all this time?
But here's what's actually happening. The narcissist isn't apologizing because they've done the work. They're not in therapy peeling back layers of themselves. Something has gone wrong in their current life. A supply has dried up. A new partner left. They're bored, or lonely, or between victims.
The apology has nothing to do with you. It's a fishing line cast into old waters, hoping something familiar bites. You are the safe bet, the one they know once loved them without conditions.
Read those messages carefully. Notice what's missing. There's no specific acknowledgment of what they did. No naming the exact hurt. Just soft, vague words designed to reopen a door you spent years learning to close.
Don't open it. Not even a crack.
