This is probably the moment you've been waiting for in a way:
Life doesn't always go well for the narcissist, and eventually, life will stop giving them what they want. Things crumble and eventually fall apart, and that's not down to anything you do, but rather the foundations of their fragile ego finally being unable to take much more.
It's then they reach for the very person they discarded and belittled the most. The one who they broke into a million tiny pieces…
…You.
The one they told, "You're too much, you're impossible to love." Yeah, that one. Suddenly, you're the whole world again.
1 Why is it they choose to make you matter now?
It's a topic that starts off with a topic all of its own: Why does the narcissist pick right now to make you matter? The truth is, you don't really matter, they just want you to think you do.
It's so that when they do come back, they know all those things to say to get you to feel sorry for them, or to open up your doors for them all over again. That's why these lines work as well as they do:
I've been constantly thinking about you. I've had all this time to think about all the mistakes I've made. Nobody really knows me like you do. I've missed you, and I wanted to reach out.
Once upon a time, the narcissist spent every moment of every day making you feel worthless, and now this? It doesn't seem right, does it? That's because it isn't right at all.
The narcissist, when knocked down, will want and need you, and make a song and dance about telling you. When life is good for them, you won't see them for dust.
It's one of those truths I hate to tell people, because I see the disappointment in their faces when I make it crystal clear this is never about you and being wanted for who you are; it's more what you provide the narcissist that they're so obviously currently lacking.
As soon as they're on their feet, you can forget about meaning even that to them.
I had a client tell me her ex called after two years of silence, sobbing, saying she was the only real thing in his life. He wanted a place to sleep.
2 Let's get specific: Why you?
Well, it's a good question, and one that I didn't want to leave out because it explains why this happens, and why it can feel as though life is on one big loop where you always seem to lose out.
The reason the narcissist picks you is because you are the reliable one. Out of everyone the narcissist knows, they know you are by far, the most likely to give them what they want.
It's in the ways you show up for them, and how you stay when things feel tough. The narcissist knows that you're a forgiving person, so if they return with their apologies and fake remorse, they know you'll buy it and forget everything they did to you in the past.
Please don't think this is anything to do with love; it's not. They don't love you, they love knowing you're there, ticking all these boxes for them. In the past, they've done similar and they have that record of it working now, so why ruin a good thing?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseGiving the narcissist what they need means you're never really going to be free from them, as you'll always be seen as their most valuable commodity. Whenever life feels barren, they reach out to you to fill it and give it meaning again.
You're their supply. This isn't about anything else, and note I didn't say, "You're their love."
You're just needed, and nothing more.
And being needed is not the same as being loved. Loved people get chosen when life is good, too. You only get called when the roof caves in.
3 Everything you need to know is in the timing
Let's rewind to when I mentioned that sometimes, yes, a life can be good for the narcissist. No worries, no stress, the job is good, their friends are good, maybe they even have a new partner and that hasn't messed up yet. Their best life, right?
Where was the narcissist then? They didn't call you, or text, or come over, or send that love letter. The reason they didn't call you will probably hit you hard, but it's another truth we can't avoid here:
The narcissist didn't call or text you because they didn't give you a second thought. Why would they? Everything's going so well, so all you get is radio silence.
When life starts throwing difficulties their way, they need someone to boost that ego that's starting to fall apart, oh, and can you bring some masking tape to put it back together please?
Funny how only then you will hear them tell you how much they care about you, and how, even in the middle of the night, you're worth sending that message to. I just want to hear your voice. You feel like home to me. Okay… sure. Whatever you say.
The timing tells you everything. If the phone only rings when their world is falling apart, that isn't love finding its way back. That's a rescue call.
4 The narcissist is waiting for you to open your big heart
It's a big heart, isn't it? After all, that's why we're here talking about this the way we are. If it weren't for your big heart, the narcissist wouldn't give you a second thought. That big heart makes you generous and giving, loving and kind.
You help people, and you feel their pain. You're compassionate and want to know that you're making a difference in the world. Again, you're ticking all the boxes for the narcissist, and they love it.
They want to know that everything they've put you through can be overridden by you seeing them in pain. That doesn't matter now; it's all in the past.
And there you are, moving on without holding them accountable, and you're giving the narcissist permission to do this to you all over again eventually, but more about that in a little bit. The problem is that yes the narcissist's pain is real.
They think they are knee-deep in a crisis, but you aren't the solution. You never will be. You can't erase what happened between the both of you, and neither can the narcissist.
I know it probably feels quite cold and heartless to leave the narcissist, and that's exactly why you don't, because that's not how you're wired. The narcissist isn't suddenly safe to be around though, are they?
A soft heart isn't the problem. Handing it to someone who already proved what they'll do with it, that's the part worth pausing on.
5 The problem begins the moment you talk
You open your mouth to speak, and you're right there, the narcissist has you where they want you. You're this warm and familiar person to them for all of about two days. Those two days are intense, as you catch up and you think, "Wow, they've changed. They really did miss me."
Big mistake, and simply not true. Those old patterns don't take long to return, and when they do, you'll be stuck in the cycle that took you so long to get out of back then.
Everything is all about them, and you see that old behavior start to build and build. Now what? Now you're realizing that nothing changed after all. Life seemed to have knocked the narcissist down, and you were their first port of call to inflate their ego all over again.
As soon as it's inflated, they will be gone again. You can move on, and you can move past this. Putting yourself back together wasn't because someday you wanted to break again, and that's something you need to remember every day in order to not get sucked back in.
Sound familiar? That two day honeymoon is bait, plain and simple. By day three, you're hearing, "You've changed, you used to be fun," and you're back at square one.
6 What if you say no? Get ready
Saying no to a narcissist who thinks they've come back for a soft landing? Brace yourself. They didn't come this far to be turned away at the door. So when you finally say, "No, I'm not doing this again," expect the pivot to happen fast.
First comes the guilt trip. "After everything we've been through, you're just going to leave me like this?" As if you were the one who did the damage. Then comes the anger, because narcissists don't handle rejection well, and you already know that.
Expect messages that flip from crying to cold in the space of an hour. You might get, "Fine, I never needed you anyway," followed twenty minutes later by, "Please, I'm begging you."
Then the smear campaign kicks in. Suddenly mutual friends are asking why you're being so cruel. Family members are getting a very different version of the story.
Saying no isn't the hard part. Holding the no while they throw everything at you, that's the part nobody warns you about.
7 The friends and family they skipped right over
Think about who else the narcissist could have called. There's a whole list of people, isn't there? Old friends, siblings, cousins, that one uncle who always had time for them. So why didn't they pick up the phone to any of them?
Because those people won't fall for it. They've either seen the narcissist for who they really are, or they've set limits the narcissist can't cross anymore. Some of them got sick of the drama years ago and quietly stepped back.
Others called the narcissist out and never got a proper apology, so they stopped being available.
You're not top of the list because you're the closest. You're top of the list because everyone else already closed the door. Family and friends the narcissist skipped over aren't colder people than you. They just learned earlier what you're learning now.
That should tell you something about where you sit on this list. You're not the favorite. You're the last option still answering the phone.
