So tiny that you can’t even see them, yet the narcissist will use their toxic microscope and pick out every little thing you say that they think is out of line.
The silent treatment comes, and I honestly think this is a part of narcissistic abuse that gets so overlooked. We name it, we call it for what it is, but we never discuss how much it affects victims; you.
None of the silence is random, and as you sit and replay everything you did to hunt for where you slipped up, you fall into the narcissist’s hands.
Why?
All because they were triggered.
The trigger is always what starts this
I don’t know how aware you are of this, but a narcissist’s triggers are never quiet, and the narcissist never allows them to just pass by.
If a narcissist experiences a minor inconvenience, they will act in a completely different way to you.
While you’re sitting there assuming the comment was throwaway, and you mean no harm, the narcissist will see it differently.
You will be the one who personally attacks them. The weight of your comment will land and hurt (it really will hurt, and that’s the trigger). Because narcissists are so sensitive, they will feel every little harmful attack back at you as if it were done on purpose, even if you would never dream of hurting them.
The narcissist, sometimes for days, will go quiet on you to punish you as you sit in the chaos wondering what you did wrong.
You have nobody there to tell you that you did nothing wrong.
1You were complimented, and they weren’t
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What a stinger to the narcissist’s ego!
There will be a point where you’re complimented by someone, and the narcissist isn’t. I don’t know what that might look like in your life, but here are some examples from my clients:
“I got a promotion, and I was so surprised. My boss told me out of everyone, she trusts me the most, and it was the biggest compliment that led to the longest silence from my husband.”
“We were at his work Christmas party and his boss’s wife came over to me and told me I look beautiful. She greeted me before she even acknowledged him, and all the drive home, he made my life hell.”
“We held a dinner party for the family, and everyone said how gorgeous the dinner was. One person said they couldn’t finish dessert as it was far too rich. Guess who made which dish? That was enough for him to give me the silent treatment for a week after.”
Three different scenarios that all trigger the narcissist’s insecurity and paint the image that they aren’t the perfect person they claim and try hard to be.
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What was the crime? Just being yourself. Suddenly:
“You think you’re so much better than me.”
Hmm. You do the math.
2You said no, even if it was to something small
“Can’t you just cancel your plans and stay with me?”
“No. It’s already in the diary. I want to go.”
Boom; the loudest sound of all follows; the sound of silence from a narcissist which is actually one of the loudest sounds of all.
The silence is awkward, but only because you have no idea what you’ve done that’s so wrong.
You’re allowed to have plans, you know. You’re allowed to be reasonable about what your days look like, and if you have plans, you’re allowed to keep them and not drop them for someone who is toxic and demanding.
See also10 Sick Things a Narcissistic Mother Does to Her Own Children
This is a rejection for the narcissist. They hate that you chose something or someone over them and as a consequence, they will gladly give you the cold shoulder for as long as it takes for you to feel guilty about it.
The question is, are you going to let that happen?
3The narcissist pushed you for a reaction, and you didn’t give it
I can attest personally to being stuck with narcissists in my time who want me shocked. They come to me with big news, or a complaint or groan about a part of their life, and they want me to match pitch. I should be outraged, but instead, I nod and say, “Wow that sounds difficult” before getting on with my day.
They do not like this.
I was far too nonchalant, and I should’ve been more ‘understanding’ or reactive. Why? Because a narcissist genuinely wants to test people all of the time whenever they can, and if you fail, you suffer.
Prepare for silent treatment, cold behavior, criticism, or accusations that you don’t care about them.
You then try hard to prove you do, unless you gave up doing that a long time ago.
In their heads, they scripted you being angry with them, and wondering how anyone can treat them this way. Because that doesn’t work, they don’t have anywhere to go but to be offended.
4Something hurt you and you spoke up
It’s not kind, and it’s also so predictable that it physically stings. This one is about you:
You’re hurting. You have felt hurt for quite some time, and you finally get to the point where you’re ready to speak up about it to the narcissist. You do, and you’re met with someone who will do anything but see the error of their ways and apologize.
These people don’t even want a conversation; it’ll just be walls up and treating you as if you committed a crime.
How dare you try to convey how you feel? How dare you try to hold the narcissist accountable?
See alsoWhy Narcissists Get Meaner When You Set Boundaries
You’re then left alone with your feelings, and wondering why you bother speaking at all.
5You were happy and it had nothing to do with the narcissist
I mean, do you even know what you’re doing here? You’re smiling and laughing. You’re celebrating yourself. You’re having a good day. You’re enjoying the weather, or a walk with the dog. You meet friends for lunch.
The narcissist is involved in none of these, and you think you should get away with that?!
The narcissist doesn’t think so.
They want to make you feel bad for not needing them, or for being happy when they had nothing to do with being the cause.
You’re revealing that your life is made up of lots of good things, not just one person who, quite frankly, is manipulating your moods.
If they can make you feel bad, that happiness will wash away and leave you right where they want you: in misery.
You need to know this…
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Knowing that you do things to make the narcissist feel so unhappy may make you feel like stepping back and pulling in on what you’re doing.
“If I just do it more quietly, they won’t have such a problem.” “If I don’t dress nicely, I won’t get complimented.” “If I don’t host dinner parties, nobody can tell me my cooking is fantastic.”
You sit alone, you’re small, you’re obedient, and you act like you don’t matter.
That is what the narcissist wants, but is that how anyone should live?
See it for what it is, not what you have been programmed to believe.
