Day one ticks by: nothing.
Suddenly you’re at week three, and you’re beside yourself.
Being ignored by the narcissist is excruciating. They know what they’re doing, too, and no matter how many texts or calls you fire out, you get nothing in return.
You check your phone every three minutes, and you run over every conversation you’ve had with them to see if you can figure out what you did wrong.
It’s no use.
You’re wasting your time.
The narcissist is completely fine, but this explains their silence.
You think something terrible happened
Anybody with half a sense of what is healthy and what is not would go here first, right?
Silence that is prolonged and intentional is never good unless you’re either asleep or sitting an exam.
What gets to a lot of people, my clients included, is that there was nothing that prefaced the silence. They don’t recall an argument or disagreement that started it, and they don’t recall the narcissist’s mood blowing up.
It’s a confusing time, and they try hard to remember any moment that could’ve triggered what followed, but they’re out of luck.
One day everything was okay, until it wasn’t. Then it’s you who ends up sitting in that silence and trying to solve it as if it were the world’s most difficult puzzle.
Let’s call this for what it is…
The silent treatment.
See alsoNarcissists Are Always Watching You And Their Methods Are Creepier Than You Think
And it is intentional.
The silent treatment is often what people use to explain silences that are uncomfortable, toxic, and brought to the table on purpose.
There is nothing about the silent treatment that tells the other person, “I need space.” It’s not a moment to pause to breathe or gather thoughts and reflections. It’s not a moment of emotional overwhelm that a person needs a few moments to sit with.
The silent treatment is calculated.
Nobody really assumes silence can be as powerful as it actually is when used this way, and it certainly is one of the strongest and most frequently used tools a narcissist will use against their victim.
When you think about it, what does the silent treatment do to you personally?
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
The first thing many of my clients notice is the internal panic that rises within them. They worry because there is no way to read the silent treatment.
You can’t interpret it without any clue as to why it even exists, and so the worst things rise up in their minds.
“I’ve done something terrible.” “They’re going to leave me.” “They hate me.” “I’m a terrible person.”
Panic to the max, and there’s nobody there to reassure the victim that none of this is actually the case.
You reach out and try to make yourself softer, more understanding, more loyal, more patient. Nothing works, and so you end up saying you’re sorry a million times, and still, the narcissist is holding their silence up against you like it’s a weapon of mass destruction.
The narcissist gets a kick from the silent treatment
I don’t think I need to explain quite how good the silent treatment makes the narcissist feel inside. For every frown or furrowed brow you have when watching them and waiting for an answer, they’re getting a kick out of it.
Your reactions are gold to them, and are exactly what they need to reclaim the power they are obsessed with owning.
The days and weeks go by, and the narcissist is watching how exhausted you’re becoming trying to get to the bottom of this, and they know their punishment of you is working.
You said something they didn’t like. You pushed back on a comment they made. You asserted some boundaries.
See alsoHow Narcissists React When Age Starts Taking Things Away
As soon as that silence is over and is broken, the narcissist feels the happiest they’ve been in a long time:
They see what you’ll do to make it right. You’ll do what you can to keep that peace.
They matter to you. That, for them, is the biggest ego boost you can offer them.
“I just needed some breathing space”
Yeah, time to think, that old excuse! Breathing space doesn’t have to mean, “Hey, guess what? I’m going to ignore you for days or weeks with no explanation.”
I get that life can get hectic, and I am being honest when I say that even I need a little breathing space, but this? This is unfair, cruel, and calculated.
The narcissist knows what they’re doing; they’re in control of a situation that leaves you feeling panicked and triggered, and they do nothing to console or reassure you.
That’s because they don’t need breathing space. They wanted to make you feel uncomfortable, and be in control of that.
“You’re so needy.”
No.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re someone who wants healthy communication and to know where you stand, not be left wondering what you did wrong every day and night.
The worst part is, when that silence does end, you don’t even get the apology you’ve been waiting for, the apology you deserve.
The whole idea is to be as cruel as they can be
Narcissists want to be nasty. They’re bitter with the world because everyone has wronged them, and everything has gone wrong for them.
Deep down, they know they can’t love or accept love in a way you or I can, and the same goes for experiencing joy, happiness, or even just being content.
See alsoThe Narcissist Turned the Whole World Against You and Somehow Still Lost
Ignoring a person who loves you, or someone who is worried about you who’s done nothing wrong is a terrible way to treat people, and it’s dressed up as “wanting distance.”
Let me tell you; there is nothing nice about people like this, and nothing nice about how it feels to be on that receiving end.
Narcissists don’t use weeks of space as a coping mechanism; they use it to control how you feel, and be someone who is stuck under their spell.
It makes them feel powerful, and that is where they feel happy.
I can’t imagine what that must be like day to day, but these are people who don’t care about anyone else but themselves.
Now it’s down to you to know what to do
Control.
What you need to see is that anything you experience, feel, or get from the narcissist is all information.
If you’re not seeing it as that, you’re seeing it as, “Maybe one day, they will change.”
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
That’s not what we need here.
We need to see it for what it is, and collect the data like it’s evidence to use against these people. Narcissists affect your wellbeing, and they want to make sure they show how little they actually care about you.
For this reason, you have to see that the way they treat you is because they want to get something from it.
In those days of silence, you do nothing wrong.
You love someone who is incapable of loving you back.
Knowing that will never change is what you need to sit with, and understand that all this time of silence could be a time of you living and thriving without them.
