A marriage with a narcissist never ends because of one big event that makes you realize you married the wrong person.
There is a big moment though, and that's usually off the back of the following 6 things occurring on loop.
Months, even years of being stuck here can affirm to you that you've been betrayed in tiny ways so often that your heart feels torn into a thousand pieces.
I think that can actually be worse than one single, big moment, don't you?
1You stopped telling them about your day, because the narcissist always used what you'd say as another reason to make you feel small or worthless
It's such an important aspect of communication within relationships, and when that disappears, you're left with your own day and nobody to share it with.
Something funny happened at work, you went for those health test results, you saw your friend for coffee, you took the dog for a walk; big or small, the fact is, you don't feel compelled to share any of it, even if you wanted to.
The reason for that?
You tried so many times before, and the narcissist rolled their eyes.
"Sounds riveting." "Do you actually do any work at your job?" "Another coffee date? Don't you get fed up?" "You took the dog for a walk. Your life is so interesting."
You pause, wondering why you bothered. You have to sit there and listen to everything the narcissist tells you, nod and smile.
Why can't they do the same?
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2You felt relieved when they were out, and dread when the car pulled up into the driveway
This point is very unsettling, and I feel for anyone whose day is made up of this kind of anxiety, I really do.
The lightness of the atmosphere when the narcissist isn't in the house almost reminds you of who you were before you met them.
You sing as you wash the dishes. You laugh at the podcast. You chat on the phone with your friend. All because you have the emotional freedom to do so; to be you.
It's the kind of relief that comes crashing down when you hear the familiar roaring of the engine coming onto the driveway. The headlights shine into the window, and you gulp.
This is it. The narcissist is home for the evening, and that dark blanket falls down, coating all colour and life you enjoyed all day.
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It's amazing how fast that flip occurs, isn't it? You go from happy to anxious in the blink of an eye, and this isn't just once; this is your life.
"How did I get here?" "Why do I feel how I feel?"
I think a lot of victims try to ignore that unfortunate transition because they don't want to admit what it really means.
3You watched the narcissist show other people kindness and gratitude that you never got to experience for yourself
Why do other people get this version all the time that you have to fight tooth and nail for a tiny fragment of?
It doesn't seem fair, but this is the norm with all narcissists.
To see them be kind, yet to withdraw it so much from you will naturally have you thinking:
"What's wrong with me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why am I so difficult to love?"
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You believe it's your fault. You see two versions of this person, but only get to experience the dark over the light.
No relationship let alone marriage should be like this. Eventually, this kind of behavior will pull you apart because you'll realize the narcissist is the one in charge of your deteriorating mood and identity.
You deserve better, and someday you'll be the best awakening and walk away.
That's the hope, at least!
4You stopped expecting the narcissist to show up, and instead saw their indifference in your pain as predictable
In any marriage, it's typical and expected for partners to show up for each other. I don't just mean once, or every now and then, but whenever it's needed.
Sharing a life with someone means there will inevitably be bad times, as there are good. That's why we choose partners; to be there and know we have someone on our side in times of need.
Don't ever count on a narcissist to show up for you unless there are terms and conditions attached.
There'll have been a time where you expected the narcissist to show up for you. You assumed they'd even just be there to listen, but they are always nowhere to be seen.
They're indifferent when you're in pain, which is severely concerning to me and many others. While you're crying, clutching your chest, wishing you could do anything to take your pain away, the narcissist is flicking the kettle on and sighing.
Over time, you come to adjust to this, and find other ways to self-soothe, which can sadly range from having pretend conversations with yourself, to hugging yourself, to emotional eating, to anything and all in between.
To view your partner as predictably absent has got to hurt, hasn't it? It's a huge betrayal to both you and your vows.
5You noticed how small your once biggest dreams had become
They shrink over time because you shrink. You don't realize that's what's happening, but this is what the narcissist does to you over time.
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They see your happiness, joy, zest for life, kind nature and forgiving heart as red flags that only serve to make your life great, and attract people to you.
Wanting to take it all away, the narcissist will steal everything they can from you in the hope you're hollowed out in identity, and leave nothing but a shell of who you used to be.
Your dreams are included in that; the narcissist wants you to have none because then you're easier to control and manipulate.
A lost person is very vulnerable, so that will be exactly why the narcissist wants to see your dreams crushed and abandoned, and you'll believe it was you who decided against having them.
The betrayal here is that you were tricked into believing things about you that aren't true.
6You started to have a better relationship with yourself when the narcissist wasn't around
Isn't that something?
When the narcissist is away, at work, or just out for the day, you can really start to tap into who you are, what you like; peace truly feels like peace.
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When anyone is in an abusive relationship and they grab those snippets of time, it can be used so wisely; you start to take better care of yourself. You don't jump to the cookie jar for comfort. You take a nice, long shower because you haven't got someone timing you.
You go online and explore jobs you like the sound of, and you are a happier, sunnier person by nature.
That's because the narcissist coming along acts like a storm on the horizon, headed your way fast.
Before you know it, you're caught up in their toxicity and forgetting about yourself entirely.
A betrayal like no other, I think you'll agree.
