In a marriage with a narcissist, not every day was loud and obviously abusive. Sometimes, it was the little things that point to the fact that you'd married an abuser who was shrinking your soul as quickly as they were shrinking your identity.
The invisibility you'd feel, the constant, low-lying simmering of stress and isolation; they count, too, and yes, they can feel even worse than the days the narcissist exploded and dragged you into another fight you didn't want to be in.
Talking about it is the first step to healing from it, which I wholly believe is possible.
1The knot in your stomach wasn't your imagination, it was a response to the narcissist coming home
Nobody can imagine a feeling so palpable and heavy. The knot becomes a frequent visitor to victims who are in a relationship with a narcissist, an unwanted one at that.
The fact is, that knot wasn't always there during your marriage, was it? It once was butterflies. It once was ease and calm.
You thought you'd found someone who you were going to spend your entire life loving and trusting, and it transpired you fell for a charm that quickly got replaced with abuse.
One day, he came home from work and you heard the key in the lock, and it was right then you felt that knot for the first time.
It's there because you came to learn to dread whatever mood he'd come home in, and the same every morning when you woke. What kind of day would you have? What drama would come?
At least with fighting, you knew where you stood.
That knot was your body and mind waiting for the next round of control and manipulation.
Your body knew before you did.
See alsoThe Dark Little Rituals Narcissists Keep to Themselves
2You felt like you were always auditioning for the role of the narcissist's spouse, instead of just knowing you're good enough
You felt good enough once upon a time, after all, the narcissist met you and couldn't wait to tell the world how wonderful you were. They celebrated you, listened to you, and made you feel like you could trust and love them forevermore.
Suddenly, you're in a place where you feel as though you constantly have to show up to be your best self, to show the narcissist why they're with you.
This is made all the more difficult and challenging by the fact that every other day the narcissist voices their regret at choosing you, or telling you that nobody else would possibly put up with you.
You woke up every day feeling as though you had to earn a place to stay in their life, and in that role as their spouse. You wished there was any time you'd feel good enough without trying to impress them, but that never seemed to be the case.
See alsoThe Narcissist Didn't Leave You. They Just Stopped Treating You Like A Partner
3You felt relieved when they were in a good mood because it meant no drama
Phew.
The narcissist is smiling, and they seem to be in a good mood. You think, "It's going to be a good day."
Your usually tense shoulders drop from being around your ears. You stand a little taller. You don't overdo anything because you don't want to tip them over the edge or cause too much negative feedback. You do as you're told and you make them their favorite breakfast.
You know just the things to do by now to keep that good day flowing, and the relief in your body is visceral.
This isn't a happy relationship, and it isn't a good day. It's reprieve from all the bad ones, and you should never take that lightly.
One day doesn't give you a good relationship or connection, and it doesn't mean the narcissist isn't going to make up for it tomorrow when their mood comes crashlanding all around you.
Then again, you know that already from experience, don't you?
See also 8 Weird Things Narcissists Do on Vacation That Ruin Every Trip
4As unseen as you felt, you were left crippled by all your failings they did notice
It's heartbreaking how that goes, isn't it?
The narcissist works so hard to maintain the effort of not even seeing that you exist. They forget your birthday, they don't ask you how your appointment or interview went, and when you're sick, they turn the other cheek and treat you like an inconvenience.
Yet when you fail to do something, fail to run that errand, fail to show up for them? You can forget feeling good for the foreseeable because that's right where you are made to feel your worst.
"You're the worst!" "This is typical of you!" "I can't believe you'd do this!"
Suddenly, the narcissist in your marriage has given you every reason to believe that your vows didn't matter. They lunge at your failings as if they needed catching and destroying.
Why is it they never spot anything good, or see the good in your efforts?
Because narcissists aren't perfect and loathe that about themselves so much that they project perfection onto you. If you aren't displaying it, they attack you.
It's easier than attacking themselves.
5During the peace and quiet, you spent that time on edge waiting for the next emotional storm
You sit in the peace, and one upon a time, you'd have been able to switch off and enjoy an evening of relaxation and laughter.
Everything feels okay.
Until you come to dread that peace because it brings with it the anticipation of, "What will happen next time, and when will that next time be?"
See alsoIt Wasn't One Big Betrayal That Ended Your Narcissistic Marriage, It Was These 6 Things
The peace then becomes the waiting room for the next fallout, the next time you do something wrong, or the next jibe the narcissist has up their sleeve.
This was not how you'd planned a happy marriage, and not what you were promised, but that's exactly how it goes, isn't it?
Narcissists are inconsistent, and they don't want you to be comfortable. If you are, you might just live a life of comfort, too.
If they're inconsistent, that means your moods will be, and they can blame you for being unpredictable.
Everything they do wrong gets mirrored to you.
6You felt like you had to earn the right to have a good day
Why is that?
See alsoMarried to a Narcissist? He’s Probably Hiding These 5 Family Secrets From You
A narcissist can have all the good days they want, but if it's you wanting or having one, they will make you feel bad for it.
"Going to lunch, are you? Haven't you got some ironing to do?" "What have you got to look so happy for?" "When I get days off from work, I prioritize what needs doing, not what I want to do."
The story really does stay the same throughout your marriage, and in the end, people usually stop relying on good days to feel good. They feel they have to work for them to at least be passable, and that's no way to live your life.
It's okay though, for the narcissist to take off for the day, spend all the money they want, whistle around the house, and be content.
If they see you doing the same, that joy is stolen from you.
