Staying calm when a narcissist is trying to humiliate you can be seen as one of the hardest things to be able to do. That doesn't mean it isn't possible.
When they try to dig you out in front of the people you love, or throw the next sarcastic comment your way, it's time to stop giving them a reason to watch you and wait for you to crack.
Because that's the whole point. They're not upset with you, they're bored and hunting for a show. Your meltdown is the entertainment they came out for.
The audience the narcissist picks is especially for maximum impact, and here's where I run through it all with you in the hope you can find your calm and show them who is truly boss.
1 The narcissist isn't looking for an argument, just your reaction
No argument in public is ever about what you're arguing about, not when it comes to narcissists. They love to bother their victims on a whim, and so the words they're using are somewhat irrelevant. What's more disturbing is that they're choosing to do it at all…
…And yes; arguing in public, arguing at all, is a choice. As the words pour angrily out of their mouth, they may seem as though they want to win a point in that moment.
It'll feel like they're waiting for the trophy at the end of it all, but that doesn't come from anything other than…
….Your reaction. If you react, that is where the narcissist claps and smirks. They've got what they wanted; you falling into the trap of response. What might that look like? Well, it'll be how red with embarrassment you go that someone dares to do this is in front of anyone.
It'll be your voice that reaches up into the heavens at such a high tone because you're shocked that it's happening at all. It will be as you look unstable.
You're accused of this or that, while the narcissist gets to stand there looking innocent and calm; as planned by them all along. Then the worst part for you?
When you get riled and respond, or cry and dash off, that's when the narcissist smiles and mutters, "God, I was just kidding."
They've won.
And suddenly you're the unstable one. The person who can't take a joke. Everyone around you nods along, and the narcissist walks away looking like the reasonable adult.
There are no two ways about that.
2 They're scanning for an audience
And this is part of the trap! If you want to know why narcissists do this in front of people, it's because they love the humiliation aspect of it.
With other people looking in, they are sure to add to your frustration and make you feel as though you want the ground to just swallow you up.
Suddenly, your options shrink because you're aware there are people looking on at you, judging you before you've even had the chance to blink. You want a full conversation about what's going on, but you're limited because that would mean airing everything in front of, well, everyone.
It's a very calculated, very cruel affair when a narcissist executes what they want, and they know the scene that is building around them as they fire off a little trigger toward you to get you reacting the way they hope you will. Why are you acting so sensitive?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseSound familiar? That single line does more damage in public than a whole argument at home, because now there's a jury deciding whether you're the difficult one.
There are a dozen people looking, waiting for your response, so what do you do?
This is a weapon you're not used to falling victim to, and you're wondering how on earth you push back with someone like this without appearing to be the bad guy they're so desperately wanting you to be.
This is one of the cruelest ways for a narcissist to treat their victims. It's you who suffers, and you who has to tolerate this level of manipulation literally without any warning.
3 What can you do about it?
I know you will tense up at this, but honestly, the only option you have is to give the narcissist nothing in return. I don't want you to be loud or dramatic.
I know you will want to do or say something to vent your frustration, or you may even feel like just bursting to tears right there on the spot, but I ask you not to.
The best option for you is to be quiet, to the point where you're almost flat. If you flinch, you're showing the narcissist that you're giving them something. Don't laugh, don't be nervous, don't seem uncertain. Don't try to smooth over what they're doing to you.
Leave it, and let it roll off your shoulders. Take a nice, slow, deep breath, and remember who you are. If you have to, a simple "okay" will suffice.
Let the word land at their feet with no emotion, and allow them the choice of picking it up or letting it affect them. It's like someone is tossing you a ball and you are just watching it fall down. There's no game if you don't join in.
I had a client describe it as going soft, like a rag doll. She said the moment she stopped stiffening up, he ran out of material within minutes.
If you're wanting to know why this works, it's because everything is falling on you to respond. The whole game relies on your input, so if you have none, there is no game at all.
Believe it or not, this is so effective, and I know it can feel difficult to get used to as you want to show the narcissist how upset you are, but you can choose the other option, and if you do, it'll be the better one by a mile.
4 There's that tight knot in your chest again…
You want to fight it because that's what you've gotten used to in the dynamics of your relationship. I get that.
It's hard to break out of the familiarity you now know as your day to day, but there are other ways to deal with this sort of thing, and those ways mean you win. Your calmness is your superpower; it has to be.
There is nothing else that will come close to cutting the narcissist when they try to humiliate you in public, so what have you got to lose? You can feel your heart rate spiking, and you know your face is getting hot.
You aren't broken for reacting this way, but the narcissist doesn't need to know this is what's going on for you. To be deliberately targeted like this is not your fault, it's the narcissist's. They want to break you, and they're looking for all ways to do that.
Here is where you come into the scenario:
You breathe. You let the calmness wash over you. You realize that you're in control. Be quiet in your breath, and drop your shoulders. You have no need to tense up and allow that stress to take over. The narcissist will not win today.
Picture the knot loosening one thread at a time. You are not performing calm for them, you are protecting the version of you that gets to walk out later.
5 Once the humiliation dies down
How long that takes is down to the individual, but trust me, that humiliation will die down, and when it does, you will be relieved that you dealt with it this way.
You can go off in private and be angry, punch a cushion, scream in the shower and have a good cry, but for your time in front of the narcissist, you don't need to do any of those things. If you do, you've immediately lost.
The people who saw will notice more than you think they will, and that's where you can just let them think what they saw to be true: you were not unreasonable.
People remember the person who kept their composure, not the one throwing the digs. Quiet dignity has a strange way of speaking louder than any comeback ever could.
6 What if someone else steps in to defend you?
Oh, this one is interesting. Because sometimes, out of nowhere, a friend, a sibling, even a stranger clocks what's happening and jumps in with, "Hey, that's not okay, why are you speaking to them like that?" Part of you wants to weep with gratitude. Finally, someone else sees it.
But watch what the narcissist does next. They pivot fast. Suddenly it's, "Wow, I can't even joke around anymore," or they laugh it off and say, "Relax, we're fine, aren't we?" Then they look at you, waiting. This is the trap.
If you agree, you've just thrown your defender under the bus. If you side with your defender, now you're the one making a scene.
My advice? Don't rescue the narcissist. You don't have to make a speech either. A simple, "No, they're right, I didn't like that," is enough. Short. Steady. Then let it sit.
Your defender doesn't need you to perform gratitude in the moment. They just need you to not undo what they just did for you.
7 The car ride home is its own kind of hell
You held it together in front of everyone. You didn't flinch, you didn't cry, you didn't give them the show they were fishing for.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomAnd then you both get in the car, and the doors close, and suddenly the world shrinks to the two of you and about forty minutes of road ahead.
This is where a lot of victims come undone, and the narcissist knows it. Public was the performance. The car is where the punishment lands.
Expect a stony silence that presses down on your chest, or a slow drip of little jabs about how you embarrassed them, how you always ruin things, how you were the one being awkward all evening.
Keep your same energy. Don't explain. Don't justify. Don't try to fix the mood so the drive feels less awful, because that is exactly the door they're waiting for you to open.
Look out of the window. Put music on if you can. Let the silence stay heavy. It belongs to them, not you.
