Money is everything to a narcissist. For them, it's a type of power that no human can offer them. A narcissist knows money can give you everything you ever wanted, and when it comes to your finances, nothing needs to be forged.
They can run your money without touching it, and make you feel like you have nothing. It's hard to see, and that's exactly why I want to talk about it today. It's time to take that control back.
Financial abuse is one of the sneakiest forms of control I see. No bruises, no shouting, just a slow erosion until you feel like you own nothing.
1 Not a dime was touched?
The story may not be the truth, but it will be the very narrative the narcissist will spin in order to gain points with people. They want everyone to know that they didn't touch a dime of your cash. I have no idea what happened. It certainly wasn't me.
I don't even have access to the account. I don't even know the pin code. They had full access to everything at all times.
That's the story, that's what they're sticking with: DENY, DENY, DENY. Technically, and rather annoyingly, they'd be right on this occasion. Controlling someone else's finances however, is a form of being able to spend it even when the money isn't yours and when you are not directly making that transaction.
That's what it's all about: control. That ends up with you being broke, and the narcissist laughing all the way to their new stuff you got for them.
And when you finally sit down to look at the statements, your stomach drops. Your money funded a life you barely got to live in.
2 You lost it all because of these comments the narcissist made
I hope you're ready for these comments, because they sting, and they will probably make you realize that all this time, you were never alone. People go through the same things as each other, and these comments being so obvious is proof of that.
Do you actually need that, I mean really? Didn't you literally go to the shops last week? You're going to wear that dress once, is it worth the money you're spending out? There are little remarks like these that crop up all the time.
They are similar in wording, and similar in how they're meant to make you as the victim feel. It's over and over, and it is a constant thing you have to hear.
The idea the narcissist has is that if they say these things often enough, you'll start to say them to yourself.
You'll enter a shop and say, "Do I really need this?" "Am I wasting my money on something I'll only wear twice?" "Should I be spending this money?" You end up putting the item back, whatever it is, and walking out the door empty handed.
You're not getting budgeting advice from the narcissist, you're being conditioned in how you spend (or not spend). Then you start to police your own outgoings.
Sound familiar? A client told me she stood in a grocery aisle putting a bar of chocolate back because she could hear his voice in her head.
3 Every decision surrounding finances was never given to you
I want you to pause here and start thinking about the big things; the major things. When they came up, the decision on what to do landed solely at their feet. I know just the car to get. I think we should go here on vacation. I want that house.
This is a great savings account. Leave it with me, I know so much about this. I love cars, trust me, I'll get you the right one. You do; you trust them completely, and that's why it feels so right.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt felt like the narcissist was preaching common sense to you, and so you didn't question it or disapprove. It happens over and over, with the same words, the same outcome, until one day it hits you:
I haven't made a single large financial decision in as many years as I've known this person. It isn't a coincidence, believe me. While your name was on the car, the house, the vacation documents: you did not make a single choice in any of those things.
That is control dressed up as competence. They convinced you they were doing you a favor by taking the wheel, and you thanked them for it.
4 The made up mess the narcissist made
Have you ever known a narcissist to try to persuade you to quit your job? I ask you because you'd be shocked at how many do, and how successful these requests are given the right space, time, and manipulation tactics. You're so stressed. You don't need this job.
They're treating you unfairly. You don't need it. Quit. I can cover the house for the both of us. What happens after that? You're there stuck in the house with someone who is in charge of everything. You're financially dependent, which is exactly where the narcissist wants you.
Sometimes, they can even make purchases that might affect the budget of the house, which will leave you short (not that they'd care about that). Thinking about it in more detail, a person who can't pay their own bills cannot leave the relationship.
You're there with no other way of coping, so you have no choice. That's what they want.
A financially trapped partner is a compliant one. They know that. Every bill in their name is another lock on the door you didn't know was closing.
5 Anxiety came with their silence of disapproval
Show of hands for every time you felt anxious because the narcissist in your life questioned you about something you bought? Your palms got sweaty, you felt your mouth dry up, and you panicked because you didn't know how to answer them.
You wish you'd gotten a receipt, in fact, it's easier when you do at times so you can prove you bought what you said you bought. Other times, they hold it up like it's evidence of you being too frivolous, too irresponsible. And so you get that cold shoulder.
You get the frown, the tut, the cold reception, all because the narcissist didn't approve, and that is one heck of a mood shift.
Days later, comments will conveniently circle back to what you did and what you spent, and in the end, it makes you (like it'd make anyone) stop spending money at all. You'd sooner deal with the fallout of no groceries than the fallout of no money.
Think about that for a second. You would rather go hungry than face their disappointed sigh. That is not a budget, that is fear running your kitchen.
6 Letting you know that you aren't good with money
It's cruel, don't you think? How can someone make you feel like everything they have done to ruin your finances has somehow been your fault? Where narcissists are concerned, that's precisely what they do.
They want you to believe that you're a terrible person as often as they can get away with, and so this is just another attack on your confidence and self-worth, only this time, money is involved.
You then stop trusting your own judgment because you believe these things about yourself, and that's what can make it all so much worse. You hand over the financial reins to them; after all, they know best.
You stop spending, stop looking at your balance, and leave it all to the very person who wanted it all to begin with. Like I said, cruel.
And here's the twist: the worse you feel about handling money, the more they get to play the reasonable one who saved you from yourself.
7 Financial abuse: Here's what you need to know
There is no paper trail when it comes to financial abuse. You don't get screenshots of everything, it's just someone (you) who ends up believing that you can't handle money, and that you shouldn't be responsible for it.
Every purchase made (with their decision making) leaves you feeling as though you're unable to stand on your own two independent feet. It's all by design, and I just hope you can understand that now.
The money was always yours. The account had your name on it. What they took was your belief that you were allowed to touch any of it.
8 Hiding the pin, hiding the truth
You didn't know the pin. You didn't know the password to the banking app. You didn't know when the mortgage came out, or what the utility bill was last month.
Ask, and you got, "Don't worry about it, I've got it handled." Ask again, and it turned into, "Why are you being weird about this? Don't you trust me?"
That's the trick. Not knowing gets framed as freedom, when really it's a blindfold.
I've had women tell me they lived with someone for a decade and couldn't have told you which bank the joint account was with. Ten years.
Not because they were careless, but because every time they tried to look, the subject got changed, or brushed off, or turned into a fight about trust.
Hiding the pin is hiding the truth. If you don't know the numbers, you can't question the numbers. You can't spot the missing money, the strange transfer, the account you never signed up for. You stay in the dark, and the dark is exactly where they wanted you.
9 The gifts that came with a price tag
Gifts from a narcissist are never free. They arrive wrapped in a bow, and later they arrive as a bill you didn't know you signed for. Look at all I do for you. I bought you that necklace, remember? Who paid for the weekend away?
Suddenly a birthday present becomes ammunition, and you're expected to be grateful long after the wrapping paper has been thrown out.
And here's the part that stings. Half the time, the gift was bought with money that came out of a joint account. Your money. Wrapped up and handed back to you like a favor.
The debt they create in your head is never settled either. You could thank them a hundred times and it still wouldn't be enough. Every gift is a receipt they hold onto, ready to pull out the next time you dare to disagree, spend, or say no.
Real gifts don't come with a running tab. If you have to keep paying for something you already received, it was never a gift.
