If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist the chances are whatever ends up getting broken won’t be accidental.
From that glass that slips off the side, to the door frame denting; there is no such thing as a coincidence.
If you look closely, those broken things will wind up that way after some kind of boundary that you tried to apply, or a question you raised that the narcissist didn’t like.
What happens next comes from the broken thing, whatever broke is your message, and here’s why.
1 On purpose? You bet!
Here’s the thing with narcissists:
They will ruin everything you had and make it all look accidental.
Don’t believe the shocked and saddened look on their face when they try to pretend they had no control over what they were doing; they absolutely did.
It’ll be during those moments you’d sooner forget; the arguments, the conflict, the drama, the tense morning before work. These times aren’t where the narcissist will recall losing control, it’s where they gained it the most. If you can look at it more plainly, it’s entirely about demonstrating their control over you.
That’s got to be something worth thinking about, right? I mean, after all this time, there the narcissist is, breaking your stuff and showing you who they really are. If they were really out of control, they’d throw their own phone, or favorite glass or mug across the room, and not yours every single time.
It’s always your stuff. It’s always your safety that gets ruptured. It’s always your space they enter to do it all in.
That’s because every breakable moment was a message made just for you.
2 The message really says…
So let's go there; let’s talk more about that message, and what it really means.
See what you made me do? This is what happens when you keep pushing and pushing. Next time, it might be you and not your damn phone!
The narcissist is deciding for you that you’re not safe with them, and they think that by acting out and breaking your possessions that they get to show you when those moments hit hardest.
Now, a narcissist can choose to say the above phrases aloud or not, either way, you will get those messages loud and clear. When you’re looking at a floor of broken ceramic, or shattered shards of glass, you will feel those broken pieces weigh down on you, and that’s exactly why the narcissist does it.
We all know the word for this:
Intimidation.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt’s cold, and it’s calculated, but it’s there.
3 The narcissist is looking for a certain reaction from you
Aren’t they all? This time, it cuts deep. The narcissist breaks something that belongs to you, and I want you to think about, or notice what happens right after.
You’re dealing with reality here. Do you go quiet? Does an apology fall out of your mouth just because you want to pacify an ever-increasingly agitated person? Does your voice soften so that you can cut the atmosphere with a little serenity?
In doing any or all of those things, I want to ask you if you’re aware of what you’re avoiding in the process? The answer, if correct, would be:
In saying sorry, I am avoiding whatever the point was I was trying to make before the narcissist broke what they broke.
There you have it.
The narcissist is looking for a certain reaction from you so that they get away with whatever it was they did wrong. The thing, the moment, the apology is all about their volatility being something you want to suppress.
It’s right where you get small, so you shrink and give the power, albeit unknowingly, back to the narcissist.
As a result, they grow. The smaller you get, the larger the narcissist becomes, and all they had to do was launch something that belongs to you.
This is where you learn to edit yourself in the moment, and instead of being true to yourself, you abandon yourself and what’s right in order to keep the narcissist happy and fully in the driver’s seat.
You do all you can to avoid it ever happening again.
4 The breakages are warnings: they’re looking for your fear
When a narcissist can unlock your fear, they’re unlocking all the weaknesses you try to hide from the world, including them.
The broken objects you have to endure seeing and hearing are warning shots made for you as a way to test how scared the narcissist can generate from you. They want to see the look of horror in your eyes, as you undoubtedly wonder how far they’ll go next time.
More worryingly, the narcissist wants to know if that fear will keep you in line, or if they need to do worse in order to make that happen.
If it works, they will escalate their behavior to get you locked more and more into your fears, making you scared and unable to respond at all.
This all happens over a slow period of time so that you don't suspect what they’re doing, but make no bones about it, they do it and they do it well.
Their volume increases, they push harder, they break more sentimental things, and they show zero remorse. I’m not saying any of this to try to predict what will happen, but rather to show you patterns in narcissistic abuse in so many complex ways.
This is in all homes where narcissists live, not just yours.
5 “I felt terrible after it happened…”
The cleanup starts, right? The narcissist will jump in and say they’re sorry for ‘losing it.’ They want to help you clean up because you shouldn’t be standing in the kitchen on your own crying over that object that meant a lot to you that’s now broken.
It’ll never happen again.
You’ve heard that before, but it did happen again.
You believe it still, because you want to think this time they really mean it. You see the narcissist standing in front of you, and you just want everything to be okay because you love them.
Let me just say this to help you:
If a person was genuinely remorseful, they would change their behavior, and not repeat those hurtful patterns. If a person performs remorse, they are buying themselves more and more time with you.
I hope that makes sense, and if it doesn’t, I want you to read it all over again.
Related moments where the narcissist breaks what you own is a sign that you need to pay attention to, as much as it may hurt you to do so.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists
6 I think you’re already aware of what it all means
Underneath all those times the narcissist tries to explain their way out of their temper and toxicity, you already know what’s going on. Whether or not you want to admit it is quite another thing, but for now, sit with what all of this really means for you.
Broken things in your home are far from normal. It also isn’t normal to spend every waking moment walking on eggshells in the hope that it doesn’t happen again.
A tense body is a warning sign to you that something is very wrong.
You deserve to live in a home, not a battlefield.
