When a narcissist comes creeping back into your life, it's easy (and hopeful) to think they were returning because they miss you. They can't live without you; they want you back. You very nearly believed it, too, but there was one small problem…
…They weren't chasing you at all. The narcissist was instead chasing 9 things they miss about you, and all of those things have nothing to do with you. Sad? You've not seen anything yet.
Because once you clock what they were really after, you stop taking their return personally. You start seeing it for what it is. A supply run.
The narcissist is missing their victim…?
Yes… But it's a little more complex than that. While you might assume the narcissist misses you because they love you, it's not the same as you missing them, in fact, nowhere near.
If a narcissist is reaching out to you again, it might seem as though they're longing for you. You even hear the words and believe them to be true. Life isn't the same without you. Nobody understands me like you do. I've been thinking about you.
It's a pull you get in your chest, all the while your mind is trying to fire off warning signs to you. That pull in your chest is coming from a place where you want to be loved, and you don't want to be alone.
Let me just tell you though…
What they're really saying is this:
I'm running out of supply and you used to keep me well fuelled. I wish I was lying, but I'm not.
What they miss is the version of you that said yes, that soothed them, that kept the wheels turning. That person had your name, but it wasn't really you.
1 The attention you give them
If you aren't giving the narcissist any attention, then you aren't giving them any oxygen, as that is what it's like for them.
Attention doesn't just mean you're looking at them and admiring them; it can be anything from the speed at which you text them back, all the arguments you got into that you engaged in, or even the way you follow them around the house asking them what you did wrong when they decide to give you the silent treatment.
All of that acts as fuel, and if the narcissist hasn't had that for a while, they will start to miss and crave it.
They miss the buzz of you replying at 2am. They miss you chasing them down the hallway saying, "Please just talk to me." That's what they want back.
Note that I didn't say miss and crave you.
2 Missing having someone to blame
Oh, they were so good at blaming you, weren't they? Every time something went wrong, it was you they turned to, finger pointing in your direction. You carried that weight and took it, doing what you could do in order to just keep the peace and keep the narcissist happy.
Maybe I was impossible. Maybe I was too needy. You took it all, hit after hit, because you didn't want to get into the stresses of having them prove a single thing to you.
Narcissists miss that about you, because it quickly becomes apparent that your presence kept their conscience clean.
Without you to point at, who takes the fall now? The new supply hasn't been trained yet. They haven't learned to just nod and absorb it the way you did.
3 Your emotions equals their control
A narcissist loves to know that they can make you panic, cry, or spiral into a pit of chaos with just one text or sentence. It's a form of control that they would do anything to keep.
When your emotions go up in smoke like that, they inhale it, keeping their level head knowing they're controlling every part of you.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey don't miss your laugh or your kindness. They miss the way your hands shook when they said, "We need to talk." That's the hit they're chasing.
When you are able to keep tabs on your emotions, you'll notice the narcissist doesn't miss you so much, because there's nothing about indifference that's worth missing.
4 You were their ego boost without fail
There will have been a time where you admired the narcissist, and thought they were the most charming person on the planet. You'll hold a candle to them, telling them how talented they are, or how smart they are and different from anyone else you know.
You'd hear them fish for it too. "I mean, most people wouldn't have handled that as well as I did, right?" And there you were, agreeing every time.
Being their ego boost didn't have a price tag attached to it as far as you were concerned, but it evidently did with the narcissist.
Missing you means leaving that vital ego boost behind, and that spells trouble for anybody who is unable to feel good about themselves without any external input.
5 Stability the narcissist can steal
What might that look like for you? Well, let's start with your income. Then there's your home, or your car, or your friends. What about how calm you can be when things go a little crazy?
Under their pretentious, fragile exterior, a narcissist is pretty chaotic by nature, and they know it, too. The steadiness they need can sometimes come from the very person who gives it to them, not that they can create it themselves.
Without that foundation, a narcissist can crack at the slightest of things, and they miss having that to lean on.
I had a client tell me her ex used to say, "You're the only reason I don't lose it." She thought it was love. It was leeching.
It's stolen from you, just like everything else is, and that's what makes them feel the best about themselves. It's not you, it's what you offer.
6 The 'good guy' story
Choosing the narcissist over and over really does yourself no favors, yet this is what they plot and plan in order to get you to comply. When you return, people think, "He can't be that bad if you're going back to them."
You forgive, and people don't see your issues as a big deal. If anything, they're happy for you.
If you return, you're giving everybody around you the impression that you want to be with them and they want to be with you, but there are so much more complexities going on behind the scenes.
The narcissist isn't a good guy, but you go back and put that very story into their hands immediately. Steering clear gives everyone a reason to believe there's more going on.
Every return is basically you handing them a character reference they didn't earn. And they know it. That's why they push so hard for the reconciliation.
7 Their favorite feeling: One of power over you
The biggest of them all, and one to surely make you really think about the kind of person you're dealing with here.
Even if the narcissist never wants to see you again, just knowing you'll respond when they contact you is enough for them to know that they can still reach out whenever they want. I still have it. I still get that reaction.
For them, the true win is here, and not necessarily having you. When you get that text that makes you smile out of the blue, it's not because they are genuinely calling for you, thinking of you, and wanting to reconnect with remorse.
It's because they have you down in their phone as, "That person who always responds."
One client showed me her phone once, three years no contact, and still, every birthday, a message. Not because he cared. Because he needed to check the wire was live.
And you…?
I like to describe victims of narcissistic abuse as resources rather than people. There's nothing about you that the narcissist misses, and that's not to put a dent in your already low self worth.
You're a person who is deserving of wonderful things, but you got mixed up with the wrong person. You're now faced with one issue:
Do you keep being the person they say they miss, or are you going to withdraw what they really want from you so they go for good? A difficult question when you just want to be loved, but this isn't love.
You're being treated like their backup plan because ultimately, that's all you are good for in their eyes.
One client put it to me perfectly. She said, "I wasn't his partner, I was his charging port." And honestly, that summed up the whole thing.
We all know you're worth much more than that.
8 The Routine They Miss, Not You
There's a certain rhythm you brought into their life, and losing it feels, to them, like losing you. But it isn't you. It's the coffee at 7am the way they liked it. It's the fact that dinner just appeared.
It's clean shirts, paid bills, someone to text when they were bored on their lunch break.
Take all of that away, and they're standing in a quiet kitchen wondering where the noise went. That silence gets confused for missing the person.
I had someone tell me recently, "He said he can't sleep without me." And I asked her, gently, does he miss you, or does he miss the warm body next to him that let him fall asleep feeling like a king? She went quiet.
The routine soothed them. You were the mechanism. Once the mechanism goes, they feel the loss of the smooth running life, not the loss of the human who kept it running.
That's not love aching. That's inconvenience wearing love's coat.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never Random
9 Missing the Audience You Rounded Up For Them
Think about it. When you were with them, who filled the room at their birthday? Who made sure their mother got a card? Who kept the group chat with their friends alive so nobody drifted off?
You did. You were the social glue. You rounded up the people who clapped for them, laughed at their stories, showed up when they wanted a crowd.
And now that you're gone, the room is quiet. The friends stopped texting. Their sister doesn't call as much. The birthday dinner didn't magically organise itself.
So when they reach out with, "I really miss you," what they actually miss is the little world of admirers you assembled around them. The applause. The buzz. The sense that they mattered because there were always people around to prove it.
That wasn't you they were loving. That was the audience you gathered, the events you planned, the warmth you extended on their behalf to people who probably wouldn't have stuck around otherwise. Take you out of the equation, and the theatre goes dark.
