Before you say anything, I want you to know that any joke the narcissist makes is never going to be funny.
They try to cover up some of the cruelest phrases I’ve ever heard with the tagline, “It was just a joke!” Meanwhile, you’re embarrassed, humiliated, hurt, and feeling as though the narcissist never respects you.
They pass a comment at your expense, and hide it with their excuse of humor.
Well, it isn’t. It’s unkind, but instead of hearing the following three things as a joke, I want you to use them as red flags instead.
Red flags that mean you should run for the hills.
A joke… really?!
I know. You will know, too, if you know these kinds of people as well as I think you do.
The joke isn’t funny, but is packaged as an insult in disguise, and when you understandably don’t like it, the narcissist fires back:
“Oh my God, relax, will you?” “It was just a joke.” “Can’t you take a joke any more?” “Why do you act so serious?”
You’re the problem, even though you didn’t say or do anything to create this latest bout of drama or conflict. It’s not fair, and now you’re whacked with a side dish of guilt on top of everything else.
You shouldn’t have to deal with this, and see it as something so inaccurate about you, too.
The real problem lies with what actually happened:
The narcissist tested you, putting out into the open a real idea or accusation they have about you, and they tied it up with a little laugh that you were supposed to interpret positively.
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They wanted to see how you responded.
If you smile along and let them have it, the narcissist knows they can say what they want about you. If you take offense, they can accuse you of being sensitive or miserable.
Both outcomes are the perfect result for the narcissist, so you lose no matter what.
That in itself should be the first warning. Consider it to be!
1“You’re so dumb!”
So here we go, with the official 3 warnings, the first being the good old, “You’re so dumb!”
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It can show up early in relationships, and it can be so subtle that it passes you by. You know, you could even laugh hearing it because you do something silly and you find it to be in jest.
But it becomes constant. The narcissist picks any moment to drop it and leave you doubting your intelligence.
Why?
You've made a small mistake. You say something and mispronounce a word. You ask a question that they deem has a very obvious answer.
That's all it takes, and you've been made the butt of their latest cruel, calculated joke.
“Only you could think that.” “Why do you never read the smallprint?!” “I swear you must have been born this dumb.”
Once? You take the hit.
Twice? It stings.
Three times and more? A pattern emerges so toxic that you worry for when it falls next time.
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Sure, the tone is playful. You can't argue with how warm the deliverance is. If it's executed in front of an audience, they too, may raise a smile.
If you look into it a little more closely, you should see the game being played and how you're always the target.
You're literally being pinned as the dumb one, and the narcissist is making sure that everyone feels that same belief.
But you know you're far from dumb, and that's the worst thing. You're aware the joke is only a joke to them, and never to you.
2“Well, all I can say is good luck without me.”
Good luck without you?
Sounds almost like a threat, doesn’t it?
The narcissist is working hard here to make you think that this is some kind of joke, but in actual fact, they’re reminding you that they have a motive: to cripple you emotionally.
If you’re to believe this, then you’re going to end up dependent on them. You’ll rely on their opinions and decisions.
You’ll rely on them financially. You’ll be led to believe you can’t survive without them, which is funny because that’s exactly what you did before the two of you met.
It’s my duty to inform you that jokes like this may land innocently, but the narcissist is keen to get into your head that you can’t even make the silliest of mistakes without remembering that you’d never survive in the world alone.
3“You think you can actually do that? Ha!”
It stings when someone tells you that you can’t do something, just because they deem it to be out of your league or ability.
What pains victims is the real, “I believe this about you,” of a narcissist when they are supposed to love and care about you.
For you, it’s a case of, “Why would you say that about me and then wrap it up and call it love?” It doesn’t make any sense, but of course, nothing about narcissists does.
See also9 "Cute" Behaviors That Are Actually Narcissistic Abuse
When you’re made the butt of a joke just because you want to try a new hobby, or you want to apply for a job that is a step above what you’re currently doing, or even if you take on a home decorating project; you’re cut down.
Immediately, before you’ve even taken a real step toward it, you’ve been laughed at and mocked.
“Why on earth are you even considering this?!” “You’ve got to be kidding!” “Really?! I’d love to see this, I could do with a laugh!”
The thing is, the narcissist is the only one laughing, aren’t they? Then there’s you; taking the hit as yet another “I’m supposed to laugh along” moment, but feeling like you’re being targeted yet again.
That’s because you are a target. You’re the joke, and the narcissist is using any reason as an excuse to make you feel bad, but it also goes a little deeper:
The narcissist wants you to believe yourself that you’re not good enough for anything.
This joke has hidden undertones that can leave scars, the kind of scars that can take years to heal.
The narcissist counts on laughs
Laughs are what give the narcissist permission to believe their jokes are funny. The more people respond with a smile or laugh, the further they will push the narrative that being unkind to you is only through jest and joke.
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Realistically, you’re looking at someone who is being totally serious, and using humor as an excuse to get their point across.
A narcissist is uncomfortable with people who can think for themselves, who are good and capable of standing on their own two feet, and who don't listen to the voices of others when it comes to doing what they want.
If you’re getting the impression that the narcissist is targeting you, then don’t ignore that gut instinct, because it’s telling you something important.
There is never a word wasted with narcissists, and even the funny ones have a darker meaning.
Use them all as warnings.
