Time and time again we see narcissists everywhere blaming their victims for the breakdown of the relationship. Every moment, every argument, every tear; it's all because of you and something you are doing wrong.
You took it, and you smiled your way through it all because you wanted to keep the peace, and as a result, the narcissist kept doing to you what has worked. Everything, and I mean everything changes when you start rejecting this, and start reflecting it back to the narcissist.
Just watch their reaction, and you will awaken to the extent of their abuse.
I had a client describe it as holding up a mirror for the first time. He looked at his own reflection and physically recoiled. That's the moment everything shifts.
1 When those rules flip…
Narcissists love life all the while they're in control, and writing a script that works in their favor. They want everyone to play along, and to ask no questions. This means they end up treating you exactly how they see fit, whether it's right or wrong.
They can spend years of their life and yours abusing you, making your life hell, and expecting you to keep quiet about it. They serve you with criticism, mockery, intimidation, inconsistent moods, erratic behavior, and making you the butt of each of their jokes.
Ask yourself though, what would happen if you were to flip the tables and serve them with similar treatment. They would not last a day without noticing, and panicking. Their structure is only built on the control and power they exude out to everyone else.
It only works because that's what they've conjured up, and you aren't allowed to cross or expose them. But what if you started to give them those short, uninterested answers they give you?
What if they're talking and you only really give them a short glimpse before carrying on and ignoring them? What if you look at your phone while they're trying to tell you something important about their day, or what's on their mind?
Watch them fumble. Watch them ask, "Are you even listening to me?" The same line you've heard from them a hundred times, thrown back without you even trying.
2 You were broken from their silence, but this is fast
The silence a narcissist offers up to you is a painful part of their abuse of you. They know exactly what they're doing when they neglect you and leave you waiting for a reply, or make you feel small by never making you a priority in their eyes.
When you treat the narcissist the same way they treated you, you're giving that back. They call, and you don't answer because you're actually busy. They text, wanting to know something, and you leave it unread.
You'll get back when you get a moment, because you're no longer willing to drop everything for someone who acts as though you never matter. When you do reply, make it as vanilla and boring as possible:
Sure. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Got it. Give them as close to nothing as nothing can be. If that sounds a little familiar, it's because this is the treatment you've been dealt in the past.
You've had no choice but to sit back and wait for them to be ready to want to show up. It's not nice being on the receiving end of that, let me tell you.
And narcissists aren't built to withstand this kind of treatment because they're too busy making demands of you and everyone else. They want to survive not needing you, but when you show them that you don't need them, that's where everything changes.
One client told me her ex started calling from unknown numbers within a week of her going quiet. He couldn't stand not knowing what she was doing.
Dynamics shift quite quickly when you start to get on board with approaching narcissists this way. They don't like it when you change and they haven't been able to predict it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou're usually as readable as a book, but this time, you've proven that you can act without warning or assumption. What comes next is almost laughable.
3 "What's with you?"
And here it is, the good old responses of a person so far in love with themselves that they can't hide their shock at your attitude and personality shift. What's with you? Why are you acting so cold? You're being weird. It's like you don't even care any more.
Hits hard doesn't it? That'll be because these are things you've been telling the narcissist all this time, and now they are starting to get a taste of what it's like to be on the receiving end. You got:
You're so sensitive. I'm sick of hearing your issues. You love to read into things, don't you? Now it's the narcissist's turn, and suddenly their issues are more real and valid than yours ever were. Funny how the rules only work one way but not the other, isn't it?
This is typical of these people; they only care when it's happening to them. Your pain is irrelevant because they couldn't feel it.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "You don't understand how much this is hurting me right now." After years of him mocking her tears. The audacity.
This reaction is one of the biggest red flags that you're dealing with someone toxic, and should be taken very seriously.
4 When they're not your priority, they will kick up a fuss
Think about all those times you made plans with the narcissist, only to be somehow let down for whatever reason:
I can't make it. I double booked. I'm working. I have to go help a friend. The excuses pour in, but it's you who is told that you're not going to be an option for them that particular day.
You, on the other hand, fit them in regardless, because you know how much they'd make your life hell if you didn't. You rearranged everything just to help them, and you were available at the drop of a hat, and why?
Because saying no felt like a huge risk to take. It actually felt dangerous at some points. Now you get to say no yourself. You get to say it without guilt attached. You get to say it without worrying that the narcissist will kick up about it.
In return, you can expect them to push you more and more because they don't like this new version of you with boundaries. They'll test you, comment that you can't make time for them, and ask you why you can't. Who did you make plans with?
Well, how long will you be? Who else is going? Is this going to be a regular thing? The questions will keep coming, because they've been put out.
And notice how none of those questions are actually about you. They're about them losing track of where you are and who has your attention now.
Your power is what comes with your answers, though. You get to take control and decide that you're going to live your life how you want it, and not by the appointments and schedules of any narcissist.
5 What happens next will shock you…
The shock comes from the initial reaction of the narcissist, who by all accounts is not going to let your new approach slide easily. You'll get guilt trips, and those will be laid on thickly.
They may even come at you with this sudden and uncalled for lunge of affection, to try and sweeten you up again so you comply once more. Don't buy it.
None of how they respond is about love, it's about working out why you are the way you are, and figuring out how to change that back to what made them more comfortable, and you more obedient.
Expect the classic line, "I don't even recognise you anymore, what's gotten into you?" Translation: you're no longer easy to steer, and it's throwing them completely.
Let them try, and fail, while you carry on being indifferent and getting your power back where it belongs:
With you.
6 The mirror they never saw coming
There's a particular look a narcissist gives you when they realize what you're doing. It's a flicker. Half confusion, half insult. Their face does this small collapse before they catch it and put the mask back on.
They never expected the mirror. They expected you to keep absorbing, keep smoothing things over, keep being the softer one. And now here you are, giving them the exact same silent treatment they used to give you. The same cold shoulder when they walk into the room.
The same "I'm busy" when they suddenly want your attention.
And they hate it. Really hate it. Because seeing their own behaviour played back at them forces them to feel what you felt, even if just for a second. They don't have the tools to sit with that. They've spent a lifetime avoiding it.
So they squirm. They accuse you of being cold, distant, cruel. Words they've never once applied to themselves, suddenly flying out at you.
Funny how that works when the mirror finally faces them.
7 Suddenly, they want to talk about feelings
Funny how that works. For months, maybe years, you tried to open up. You wanted to talk about how something they said made you feel small, or how a certain look from them made your stomach twist. And what did you get?
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists"You're overthinking this." "Can we not do this right now." "Why does everything have to be a big conversation with you."
Now the tables turn. You start treating them the way they treated you, and suddenly they're the emotional one. "We need to talk." "I don't feel heard." "You've been really cold lately, and it's hurting me."
Oh, now feelings matter. Now communication is important. Now the silence is a problem.
You'll sit there almost blinking at them, wondering where this sensitive soul was hiding all those nights you cried yourself to sleep. The answer is simple. Feelings only matter to them when they're the ones having them. Yours were an inconvenience. Theirs are an emergency.
Let them talk. You've heard every version of this speech before, just with your name on it.
