If you date someone for a few months, does that automatically mean you then learn everything about them? No, not in that short space of time. Even after a year, you think you know all there is to know, and then reality hits you like a bolt of lightning.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist over a long time only reveals so much. Put them in a car for 48 hours, and the mask peels off in real time.
If you were to spend a few days on the road with a narcissist, more will be revealed than a whole year of dating. Trust me, it's not going to be pleasant. Here's why.
1 Is it all your fault? Yep! Again and again…
What is it this time? You took a wrong turn, or the music you're playing isn't as good as it could be? Maybe it was your choice to stop at that roadside diner, and the food was awful, or you stopped for gas at an empty service station.
Minute, that's what all the problems are in hindsight, and they could happen to any one of us. Because they were your choices, you are the one solely responsible for ruining that part of the trip.
Of course, at the time the narcissist doesn't speak up about it, but the second you get into the car, that's when they unleash and let you know exactly what they think of you.
As you think about why they wait, I want you to remember that a car is a private space, where nobody other than you can overhear the narcissist. They can complain and yell, shout and rage, and your ears are the only ones that noise falls on.
Why do you never listen to me? I knew you'd end up doing this. Why do I agree with your ideas? This is what I mean when I say how useless you can be. What did you do wrong? So what?
You turned around from that wrong turn within a minute. You both ate the food even though it wasn't the best. You'll stop at the next service ten miles down the road. Yet for the narcissist, all these things are the end of the world.
And there's no escape. You can't walk out of a room and let them cool off. You're strapped in, sat right next to them, hostage to every muttered complaint.
2 The narcissist is the decision maker all the time
These are the people you will be in a relationship with who are going to be calling all the shots, and from the start you might not imagine that to be possible. They seem nice, they are good listeners. But what happens when all of that slips and fades away?
You're left with a person who doesn't want you making any decisions. When it's you who calls something, and the narcissist gives in, and that thing doesn't work out, you will know about it. This will be their reason and justification for saying:
This is why you need to just let me deal with things. I will decide where we stop. I've been down this road before. You don't know this route like I do.
Gradually, you get to a point where every time you want to make a choice, the narcissist will shoot you down and list reasons why that's not a very good idea. You stop at all the hotels they want, and they pick the restaurants you eat in.
They even pick the side of the bed they want when you do get to that hotel, and you're rendered useless for the rest of the trip, and moving forward every other day of your relationship, too.
Pushing back won't do a thing to help, as the narcissist will see you as trying to argue with them. Eventually on this trip and beyond, you get to a point where you just don't bother saying a word. What's the point?
It never gets you anywhere anyway, so you may as well keep quiet to keep the peace. Congratulations, you've just made the narcissist very happy. Your silence is their power.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client tell me she stopped suggesting places to eat six months into her relationship because it was easier than being told her taste was embarrassing.
3 You're miles from home suffering with total silence
It's a hard game to be forced into playing, right? You don't want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere having to fight for your right to even speak. When you do say a word, it's wrong.
When the narcissist wants to punish you, they can drive a hundred miles in total silence. That's a long time for the mind to overthink and worry.
When you're in a car on a road trip with a narcissist, it's so easy to fall into their trap of saying something that didn't quite land with them the way you'd hoped it would. Perhaps you laugh, and the narcissist asks what you find so funny.
Perhaps you're singing along to a song, and they think you are better when you're quiet. Now? They're in the front seat facing forward, jaw clenched, just wanting to get to where you agreed to go.
That's a heavy atmosphere to take into any car, and when you're miles from home, that'll feel so much worse. You can't just get out and walk home. You don't even know where the nearest transport station is.
You're stuck, and there's nothing you can do about it other than ride it out and get it over with. Suddenly the road trip isn't about adventure any more; it's about survival. And with nowhere to run, you're in the midst of all of that.
The car becomes a pressure cooker. Every mile stretches out longer than the last, and the silence starts to feel physical, like something pressing on your chest.
4 You realize just how entitled the narcissist really is
You didn't see it before, but now you understand that the narcissist is more entitled than you ever pictured them to be. You note how rude they are to the hotel staff when you check in.
They blame it on being tired, but it runs right through your entire trip, with servers, other drivers, or people on the hiking trail who seem 'too happy.'
Everyone else is the problem, and you're just someone who is along for the miserable ride. It's not fair, is it? What that generally means for people on that receiving end is that they have to constantly manage their embarrassment.
From one moment to the next, there's a reason why you look apologetically at the person being yelled at. At home, this is much easier to overlook, seeing as you just count the odd bad moment that doesn't really compute much with you.
Then you get on a trip, and everything's magnified because you're only out for a few days. That is a condensed amount of abuse to have to witness, and admit is real. Unseeing any of it simply isn't an option.
And once you see it, you start noticing it back home too. The barista who got the order slightly wrong. The neighbor who parked too close. Sound familiar?
5 Then comes the point the narcissist rewrites everything
That was such a nice trip! Yeah, we had a great time. It was lovely to get away. It was so chilled. Chilled?! You do not remember chilling, not even once.
The narcissist tells their friends how nice it was to spend time with you, and you're left thinking, "Did I imagine the whole thing?!"
With careful and calm confidence, the narcissist rewrites the entire trip to make it sound like you had the best time, because they can't tell people how snappy and miserable they were throughout it all, can they?
This is the point where you should see them for who they really are…
…Serial liars.
They rewrite it because the real version makes them look bad. Nothing more complicated than that. The trip becomes whatever version keeps their image polished for the audience.
6 The tiny bag they packed says a lot
You watch them zip up this tiny little bag and think, wait, that's it? Two days away, and they've packed almost nothing. No spare shoes, no jacket in case it gets cold, no toothbrush even.
And then guess whose bag becomes the communal storage unit? Yours. Suddenly you're carrying their phone charger, their sunglasses, their spare shirt because "you had room anyway." Your bag is bulging, and theirs is swinging around like a feather.
It tells you everything. They didn't plan for themselves because they knew, deep down, that you would plan for them. You always have. You're the one who thinks ahead, who packs the painkillers, the snacks, the phone charger, the plasters for blisters that haven't even happened yet.
The narcissist travels light because you are the packhorse. That has been the arrangement in your whole relationship, hasn't it? They exist, and you do the labour of making their existence comfortable. A weekend bag just makes it visible in a way you can't unsee.
7 Watch what happens at the gas station
The gas station stop is where the narcissist forgets people are watching. You pull in, you're both tired, and suddenly the pump won't read their card. Watch what happens next.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThey start muttering. They kick the pump. They shove the nozzle back in like it personally offended them. The attendant comes over to help, and instead of a thank you, they get a sharp, "Well, maybe fix your machines then."
You go inside to grab drinks and snacks, and there it is again. They cut in front of someone at the coffee machine. They roll their eyes at the person counting change at the register.
They complain loudly about the price of a bottle of water, as if the cashier sets the rates herself.
And you? You're standing there holding a bag of chips, wanting the floor to swallow you whole.
Two minutes at a gas station tells you everything. How they treat strangers when there's nothing to gain. That is the truth of them.
