It's always someone else's fault, right?
A narcissist will do this to you: blame you to get themselves off the hook. It boils down to the belief that they think they're perfect, with no way of seeing or believing themselves to be the problem.
That means you, or anyone else is the problem, all of the time.
It's impossible to reason with people like this. You can fight tooth and nail to try to be heard, but the narcissist has already made up their mind that you're going to be dealt the blame.
You find yourself apologizing with this impossible-to-please person. With that, here are 5 reasons why they make everyone else but themselves the person at fault.
1Rewriting the truth with their own story
Whenever something goes wrong, a narcissist won't be asking themselves "What did I do wrong?" They will turn to you, or anyone else who happens to be there who can take the hit, and ask, "Why did you let this happen?"
It won't matter that they created it. Honestly, they could light a fire and be holding the match, and they'd still blame you for the flames.
I once had a client who told me that she saw her narcissistic husband pull up into the driveway and run the car into the garage door because he was going too fast. He told people that my client never got her brakes checked, and therefore the blame solely rested on her.
Can you believe that?
These kinds of things and more happen all the time, and it's infuriating to the person who is on the receiving end. After all, you're trying your best to maintain this relationship, and yet you're the story the narcissist rewrites, so everyone looks to you as the person in the wrong.
The more you try to convince them otherwise, the more guilty you actually look.
See alsoNobody Sees The Real Narcissist Except The Woman He Destroyed
How is that fair?!
It's not, and that's my point.
A narcissist will come to you, saying things like:
"If you hadn't…"
"I wouldn't react like this if you…"
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
It's enough to make you want to scream, but trust me, before they lie like this to you, they're flat out lying to themselves first.
2Narcissists view accountability as if it were an attack
"You hurt my feelings."
Landing this kind of comment at the narcissist's feet will not go down well, not least because they're always looking for ways to never be held accountable for anything.
For them, you're speaking in a way that threatens their image and ego. And if you're challenging their wrapped truth that they're a good person, you're showing them that you're a 'bad person.'
For what? For speaking up when it matters the most?
Their whole persona revolves around the idea that it's impossible for them to make a single mistake. It's a discomfort for them to be told that they've done something wrong, or hurt you. Rather than sit with that and own their error, they prefer to flip it back to you and tell you everything that you do wrong.
"It's all your fault."
"I try my best."
See also7 Weird Feelings That Often Show Up Around Narcissists
"You don't understand how hard life is for me."
No that's right, we don't.
Life will always be difficult if you constantly show up as the victim and never the person who owes an apology and means it.
The narcissist doesn't know how to mean anything other than being mean itself. For you, you're not attacking anyone, but they won't see it that way and will make you regret ever approaching them in the first place with your request for some kind of accountability.
3Audience for one? Check!
The only person a narcissist is ever truly performing to, is themselves. I know other people crop up throughout their lives, but it's their own egotistical crowd of one in their mind they can't help but give the glory to.
A narcissist needs an audience to agree with everything they say. They need them to validate every choice or opinion they make and have. They also need that audience to fall apart every time they try to push back, because any reaction is a reaction, right?
When the narcissist tells their audience that you left them, and that they're broken-hearted, that crowd is going to side with the narcissist, and cheer for them.
As far as the narcissist is concerned, you started it because you are always the one to overreact. You were too demanding and it was exhausting the narcissist.
This all comes about because the narcissist spends time alone with their 'audience of one' mind, and conjures up this narrative in the first place. They know what they're doing, and they've carved out the time to plot and plan for it.
They cheer themselves on even when nobody else is present, and none of it is in any way good or positive.
4True empathy doesn't demand being a victim
The narcissist isn't cold or calculated; though I appreciate how it can feel that way at times.
See alsoThe Most Dangerous Narcissist Is the One Who Has Completely Stopped Performing for You
They have such a gap when it comes to sitting with someone who really needs support, or to just be listened to for a while.
They will notice your emotions, and hear your words, but they cannot comprehend what it feels like for you. This can be whether or not how you feel has anything to do with them or not, by the way.
Narcissists, as one of my clients so cleverly said, "Are not wired for empathy." It doesn't matter how much you want them to be, you're just not dealing with that kind of person, and that's why you get the blame for opening up about your feelings.
The narcissist won't absorb it, and will wait for their turn to explain why what you're saying is wrong.
Then you feel bad for having feelings, which in turn, you try hard to suppress in the future.
We all know that's not healthy either.
5If a narcissist admits their mistakes, it's game over
Think about a narcissist having to own their mistakes for a moment, because I think this is a great place to end and give you some food for thought.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
Saying sorry wouldn't just cover one moment, or one error. It'd mean they then have to dig even deeper to apologize for every single time they upset you, or caused unnecessary pain or drama.
The lies are protected not just because they're evil, toxic people. They're protected because they're petrified of having to unravel all their past mistakes, and holding a light up to them.
This would mean sacrificing all they've spent years building, which for them is simply not going to happen. If it did, it'd mean their whole image being torn apart by themselves, and their reputation hung out to dry.
And so, they stay blinded. It's easier that way, and it's how they convince themselves, and you, that you're the problem.
You say sorry, you mean it, you try harder and harder to be a good person, a good partner, to the narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough because you're always the one who is covering their lies up with them.
