You’ll often read from professionals things like:
“Just leave the narcissist!” “You’re far too good for them!” “Your life would be way better without them!”
Nobody really talks about how to leave. It’s not always easy, and it isn’t always safe, either. That’s where I come in today, not to tell you to leave, but to show you what that looks like.
After all, nobody knows the narcissist in your life like you do.
The safest way to get out is to be as quiet as possible. Read on to see what that means.
1 Leave without leaving first
I know, you probably think that doesn’t even make sense, but hear me out.
You can leave without leaving first, and here’s how that looks:
You don’t announce it. You don’t make threats about packing your bags and going. You don’t sit down and do the whole, “We need to talk” thing. Don’t give the narcissist speeches telling them how unhappy you are, or warn them that your time together is nearly up. Give them no kind of heads-up at all, and that’s what’s going to be on your side when you do go.
I have to tell you this because as soon as a narcissist knows you’re wanting to or thinking about leaving, you may find yourself in a very dangerous situation.
Narcissists have a habit of raging, and if that’s directed at you, who knows what they’ll make you tolerate. They can also plead and never leave you alone until they get their own way. If they start love-bombing you, expect them to pull out all the stops to manipulate you into thinking that you’re making a mistake in leaving.
If you leave, I will destroy your reputation. You’ll be nothing without me. You think you can cope alone? You’re so wrong. Nobody is going to love you if you leave me. You’ll be alone forever.
I’ve no doubt some of those will probably hit you hard because you’ve heard some kind of version of them before right?
It’s far better for you to leave quietly, thus avoiding all the above, and more drama added to an already difficult time in your life.
It’s a little bit like ripping off a bandaid quickly, there’s no point doing it any slower as you’re just prolonging that pain.
2 Using silence of Grey Rock won’t be the exit plan you hoped it was
Grey Rock is a popular way to become very boring to a narcissist very quickly. You don’t become their target any longer by simply answering questions as plainly, and with as little back as you can. It’s a way of deflecting any heat on you, and in not reacting, you’re not giving the narcissist the fight or conflict they were hoping for.
It’s not permanent though; it just means you get peace and quiet in a relationship that you’re staying in.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsIf you want to leave, Grey Rock won’t get you out safely.
It does, however, buy you a little time. If you use the technique to start purposely shrinking yourself so that you blend in and not stick out, it can be how you start to shift gears, but I would never advise anybody to use it for long because narcissists don’t like change, and you’re giving them a bit of a preview if this is what you are planning on doing.
Get what you can in order in the time you’re going Grey Rock, and then get out.
3 Getting everything ready and in order
Let’s talk about what that looks like, because it matters more than you think to be able to get this part right while still keeping yourself safe.
First off, if you can, get yourself a separate bank account that the narcissist doesn’t know about. It doesn’t have to be oozing with money, but a start-up fund can be what you need in order to get yourself a headstart.
Small amounts of money over time can often be done in a way that the narcissist doesn’t notice, and that’s where you need to put your energy.
Say nothing.
Next up, there’s your documents. You need to get your passport, your birth certificate, any social security cards; anything that has your name on it and can prove and validate who you are if you need it.
All those things need to be in a place where the narcissist is unable to access them, so in a locked safe, or with a trusted (and I really mean trusted) friend or relative.
Then we have a bag. It needs to be a proper grab bag, so have in it clothes, chargers, copies of paperwork that’s important. Leave it somewhere you know will be safe, similar to your ID.
If one person knows, they’re at risk of slipping up, so you really need to think hard about who you put that trust into and make sure they’re always there for you no matter the time of day or night.
Now you need a plan for the actual day. Where will you go, what time, and how will you get there? You need to make sure that the moment you step out, the narcissist isn’t home.
4 Don’t make the mistake of assuming you owe the narcissist a grand goodbye
You do not need to give the narcissist any kind of goodbye. If you must, it'll be in your head and ensure the narcissist doesn’t suspect a thing.
The problem many victims have is that they spend too much time staying in situations like this because they feel they owe their abuser a conversation, a reason, a justification for them leaving.
In actual fact, you’re handing them power to force you to stay, or intimidate or threaten you if you do say you want to leave.
So, hold back. Hold the power. Keep yourself firm in the belief that this is going to happen, and don’t listen that voice in your head when it tells you, “At least give them some kind of reason.”
This is the very vice that has been trained by the narcissist to bow down to them and obey their rules.
Explaining yourself only gives them ammunition.
Leave without hearing, “After everything I ever did for you.”
Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
5 When the narcissist comes looking for you, that’s part of their plan
The narcissist will come looking for you; that’s a given. There will be texts and calls. You will even get private numbers calling you because the narcissist thinks you’ll answer to someone you don’t recognize. You’ll have people call you on the narcissist’s behalf.
Don’t answer anything.
Don’t give any information away.
It’s just not worth it.
Block everything that comes through. Turn your locations on social media off. Make your profile private. Delete any moles.
It’s the only way to push the narcissist farther away from the scent.
See also 6 Things to Expect as Narcissists Get Older
6 Let’s talk about strength, your strength
It’s there, and it’s something you’ve always had.
Now you need to start believing in yourself and what you’re truly capable of because that’s the only way you will get through this.
You aren’t running away, you’re outsmarting them.
Let go of the fact that they controlled you all this time, and celebrate gaining it back and finally becoming empowered.
