If you're familiar with this type of narcissistic man, you're familiar with the way they constantly show you that you don't matter. They don't notice you, and any way they tried to love-bomb you has totally dried up.
When you're finally neglected to the point where you feel like a spare part in a tool set, that's what he didn't count on. Because what comes with that is something very dangerous indeed.
A woman who has stopped waiting. Stopped hoping. Stopped rearranging herself around his moods. She's still there, sitting across from him at dinner, but inside she's already gone.
1 The clear thinking begins
Being with a narcissist for so long will have a clear effect on you before long. Your toxic husband will constantly find ways to manage you, and that will make you feel like you're walking on eggshells for a living.
The worst way to live in a relationship is to spend all your time wondering what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home from work, or even when he wakes up. Who will he decide to be today?
He will find ways to keep you guessing, so that you never really know what to expect. When the day comes where he starts to pull back, you as his wife feels some kind of relief. You sleep better, and boy, is it making a difference to your wellbeing.
You notice things when you're able to have that fog lifted because you now see the big picture rather than being stuck in it yourself.
The most common thing is all those conversations you had with him where you were blamed or shamed that are now coming into their true light. You realize they weren't okay, and how you were treated was not okay, too.
Eventually, your life resembles something normal, with friends coming back into the picture, and you feeling as though you're building some kind of network.
One woman told me her sister said, "I haven't heard you laugh like that in eight years." She hadn't even noticed she'd stopped. That's what living under him does.
It feels good, and all because your narcissistic husband evidently stops noticing you and giving you all the grief and drama he once did.
2 The woman she was before him is remembered
I want to talk about neglect, and all the ways victims don't even realize they're neglecting themselves during their time with a narcissist. For starters, you're with a person who is never going to encourage you to be yourself and to follow your passions and dreams.
You're with someone who will do everything they can to erase them from your mind, leaving you nothing but a shell of your former self.
As you unconsciously agree to neglect yourself, you throw away your hobbies, you give up on your confidence, and you apologize for taking up even the smallest amount of space.
Eventually with neglect, you will find your way back to yourself as you awaken to just how much you've changed, and just how much he was responsible for it all. There was a woman who existed before you met him, and she will find her way back to you.
Yes, it can take a while, and yes, it's pretty painful to realize just how much you've changed, but it starts one day. You hear a song you used to love and dance to. You pick up that instrument you abandoned years ago.
You start living each day not feeling like you have to ask permission from anybody. You go and visit your sister and you do fun things in the city for the weekend. You laugh.
One client told me her husband said, "You seem different lately," like it was an accusation. She just smiled and kept booking her weekends away.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseHe notices, trust me. He sees it all, and he doesn't know what to do with it. Pretending not to care only gets him so far. He does care that you're living a life without needing him in it. That's when the danger truly begins.
3 He is oblivious to what she knows now
If you want to know what makes this kind of wife as dangerous as I am telling you she is, think about this for a moment:
She knows so much that she did not know before.
While he was off making sure he got all the supply he could ever need, reaping in any kind of admiration he was able to find, she was making sure she was studying every moment of it with a newfound form of awakening.
She, maybe you, started to understand that love-bombing was simply a way for him to get what he wanted eventually, and that it was all built on a level of fakeness she had no idea she was living and believing.
She is now familiar with all the gaslighting phrases that he landed on her to make her feel confused.
"You're imagining things." "That never happened." "You're the crazy one here." She used to shrink at those lines. Now she hears them and thinks, there it is again.
If this sounds similar to what you've experienced, then you're here, too. Getting to this point is a sure fire way of never being able to turn back and undo what you've learned.
All the while he stopped noticing you, you started to notice every single bit of toxic that he was. Dangerous? Yes! You can't take that away when it reaches the pit of your stomach; it's there forever. It will change you.
4 The terrifying silence
As he has gone quiet and distant, and in turn you've seen the light, your change will affect him. I know it sounds weird, right? He can be as distant and silent as he likes, but the moment you show up as a changed woman, he will panic.
You aren't that agreeable, people-pleasing woman you used to be, and who he is used to seeing. If you stop responding to him, you're giving him a reason to see that the dynamics have changed, and so have you.
The old tricks will come into play; he will try anything to get that old version of you back. You've changed. What's with you lately? Why are you so quiet? The panic is there alright, and it's set in stone. It's because you're now unbothered, and he knows it.
He wants to try to get a rise out of you, but you don't bite because that's what the old you would've done. You are quietly refusing the toxicity. That is a gift. The dangerous aspect of you is not loud, it is not argumentative. It isn't threatening or abusive.
It isn't violent. It is simply you living with your boundaries attached, and no longer living to please, appease and pacify him.
I had a woman tell me her husband actually said, "I preferred you when you were softer." Softer meaning silent. Softer meaning breakable. She just smiled and kept going.
5 She decides. And she does it well
I'll say here that you now have two choices:
You stay, or you go. The reality is that some women actually don't leave when faced with being in this position. Some stay and wish to rebuild their relationship based on newer terms that she has control over.
This very rarely works as no narcissist wants to adhere to the rules of someone else. They might say they will, but it will never last long. Others leave.
The fact is, he thought leaving her alone and no longer noticing her the way he used to would make her feel more drawn to needing him and his validation. It doesn't work that way. All it did was hand her the one thing she needed the most:
Room to breathe, room to see.
And once a woman sees, she can't un-see. That quiet space he gave her thinking it would break her? It's the exact space she used to build her exit.
Once given that, she saw it all. She saw the truth. Does this sound like you, I wonder? I hope so!
6 The friends who quietly come back
Something else happens when a woman stops shrinking. Her phone starts buzzing again.
Old friends who slowly faded, the ones who used to make her laugh until she cried, they come drifting back. A message here. A coffee there. A "God, I've missed you."
And she realizes something uncomfortable. They didn't leave. She was pulled away. Slowly, cleverly, one small comment at a time. "I just don't like how she talks to you." "She's a bad influence." "She's jealous of us, can't you see that?"
He isolated her, and dressed it up as love.
Now those friends are back at her kitchen table, drinking wine, telling her the things they always thought but never quite dared to say. And she listens. Really listens.
The narcissist hates this more than almost anything. Because a woman with her people around her is a woman he can't spin, can't gaslight, can't rewrite. Every friend who returns is another witness. Another voice saying, quietly, you were never the problem.
7 He tries a comeback tour (spoiler: it flops)
Suddenly he notices. Suddenly he sees you.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThe compliments start rolling in like he's reading them off a card. "You look great lately." "I've missed us." "Remember that little place we went to on our anniversary?" He's dusted off the old material and he's hoping you've forgotten how flat it always was.
And why now? Because you stopped orbiting him. Because the house feels calmer without his moods setting the temperature. Because you laughed at something on the phone last week and he heard it from the other room.
He'll try flowers. He'll try tears. He might even try that thing where he sits you down with a serious face and says, "I know I haven't been the husband you deserved."
The old you would have melted. Would have made him tea. Would have said, "Let's try again."
The new you tilts her head, listens, and feels absolutely nothing move. Not anger. Not longing. Just a quiet, tired recognition that the show is the same and the ticket has expired.
