If you're going to involve the narcissist in any of the following seven things, I want you to know that there will be consequences that won't work in your favor.
Narcissists are born to make your life hell, and if you dare try to be independent, feel, think, or create something for yourself, you're going to be severely disappointed if you run it by these toxic people first.
They don't care, and they'll do anything to also make you not care, too.
Is that what you want?
I didn't think so.
Do these alone so that you do them, and not neglect that part of yourself.
1Decide on anything big regarding your future without them
I think if you're going to decide to do anything big with your life, you need to be having conversations with yourself and only yourself.
People (especially those in relationships with narcissists) tend to forget that they are their own person, living their own life. You can make big decisions that are right for you without asking, or running it by anyone beforehand.
It's not easy to remember that when you're living with a narcissist though, because you'll have gotten very used to wanting and needing reassurance and validation. You'll even have been taught somewhere along the way that your ideas or thoughts are wrong or silly, and that's how people slowly learn to then gaslight themselves.
If you're considering things that alter or shape the course of your life, you do not need a toxic intervention or opinion swaying what's right for you. A narcissist will want to do all they can to keep you small and dependent, so give yourself the space to work out what you want before you let other people in.
If you let the narcissist have control, they will take control.
2Celebrate your achievements alone
See alsoYour Absence Can Show a Narcissist What Your Presence Never Could
You finally did it!
You can't believe your luck, and you can't wait to tell everyone how far you've come.
Only, you speak up, and you tell the narcissist in your life who quite frankly pops your bubble of excitement quicker than you can say, "Pop."
This is what they do. The moment your smile becomes too big is when they get to work to erase it and have you feeling all shades of grey and useless again.
Suddenly, that new job you got, or the good news you received becomes something you'd rather forget because you either don't feel like celebrating or you no longer feel you even deserve it.
You worked hard, got where you wanted, and yet somehow you can't summon up any kind of self-pride about it. It's as if you made a mistake, and should've just left it well alone.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
A narcissist can't bear to not be the center of attention, and will do anything to sabotage your life's achievements. This is not a 'you' problem, but it will be if you keep letting them in to ruin your happiest moments.
Don't let them silence your applause.
3Explore your feelings in your own time
Ah, feelings. They can be messy and complex, and the last thing you need is for a narcissist to get involved and skew, downplay, ridicule, or dismiss yours.
That's what they love to do. I had a client once who was only 27, and she told me:
"Alexander, every time I try to express myself, I'm told I'm wrong. He says I have 'too many feelings' and that I should learn to keep a lid on them. I learned to just ignore how I felt and carry on regardless, and I was too ashamed to explore my feelings when he wasn't around, so I did what he said, and put a lid on them all."
Terrible, right? Soon enough, you're dismissing how you feel, ignoring warning signs, and missing out on real opportunities to be happy, all because you aren't giving yourself permission to process anything.
That's got to be exhausting.
4Enjoy all the things you love without feeling like you're being selfish
See alsoYour Kids Lost Something Too While You Survived the Narcissist, and They May Keep It to Themselves for Years
What do you love? I love to read and walk (not at the same time). Ultimately, it doesn't matter what it is that you love, it's that you do it and still get enjoyment from those things.
What I need from you is the promise that you'll keep doing those things, even if the narcissist tries to mock or criticize you for them.
"Why do you bother with this?" "Don't you have more important things to do?" "Do you think the laundry will do itself?"
You drop what you planned, or were halfway in the middle of, and you get to your errands. They could've waited, you know. The world wouldn't have ended if you just spent an hour on yourself.
You're far better off doing those things alone without even mentioning to the narcissist that you've got them scheduled because you know you're going to be made to feel bad for even thinking about them.
These people expect constant attention from you, so if they see you have even an ounce of free time, they're going to want to claim it.
You don't even have to explain your choices; it's your life, and as long as you're not being rude about it, you should be free to fill your time how you please.
It's remarkable how quickly a perfectly innocent hobby can begin to feel like a disciplinary offence.
Yes, it's important to spend time with your spouse, but it's also important to maintain your individuality.
Woah! I think I just hit the nail on the head there.
Enjoy your temporary window of freedom without the need to justify it.
5Reflect honestly on the relationship
Don't be swayed by the narcissist.
If you feel your relationship isn't going well, the last thing you want to do is sit down with the very person who is controlling you to talk to them about it.
They will find any and every way to convince you that everything is fine.
See also8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat
It's all in your head. You're imagining things. You're stressed. They love you. Blah blah.
Repeated patterns shouldn't be ignored, and I promise you, if you can make yourself awaken to the abuse, you'll never sleep on it again.
6Make plans that don't involve or include the narcissist
Live your life!
You aren't attached at the hip, so if you want to meet a friend for coffee, or go for a hike by yourself, you should be able to. It's not that you're ditching them, but that's not how the narcissist will view it.
That's a 'them' problem.
Let's think about how many times the narcissist does what they want. Do they ask you?
No they do not.
You do not need the approval of others in order to plan a day that you want.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
7Find who you were before you found yourself walking on eggshells and reconnect with that version of yourself
Your identity is in there somewhere, and I think when you're alone, you can really find out who that person is.
When you're not busy maintaining and managing the reactions and moods of the narcissist, you are still a person who has a right to their own autonomy.
You used to express yourself without worrying. You had opinions. Passions. Goals. Morals.
Find them and don't let anyone take them from you.
