It takes a lot of strength and courage to rebuild your life after the silence that follows a period of narcissistic abuse.
That silence has to be filled with something, and you chose healing. In that time, you learned to stop looking for answers, and calm your nervous system, and one day, out of nowhere, you get a message.
The narcissist is back. They were just thinking about you.
The reason? The narcissist is now aging, and this is part of the reason why them reaching out is anything but random.
Their reason will fall into the following three things you need to look out for.
1All this time, and here they are
Age affects us all, right? We all go through it, and it should be a period of time we're happy and proud to be experiencing, as not so many people get that these days.
Age changes us, but it never changes a narcissist. They have always been toxic, and they always will be whether they're 19 or 90.
What does change for a narcissist is every circumstance. Usually, that means they lose access to the supply that's kept them going all those years. They have lesser options due to inability, immobility, or just the usual bitterness that age sweeps over to these kinds of people.
The people who are willing to tolerate a narcissist become less and less, and before they know it, they only have a few loyal people left in their circle. Friends will drift away; fed up that they've been used and abused themselves throughout their time knowing them. Relatives also wise up; the more toxicity they witness, the less they want to be around these people.
As for younger people, well, they have no interest whatsoever in the narcissist. They keep a fair and healthy distance.
Because of this, a narcissist loves to go digging in the past, and somewhere in those piles of what once was, lies you.
This is proof that you are never ancient history to the narcissist. All you were, was put aside for a later date.
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That date is now.
2There is a practical need you can fulfill
First up, we have the good old, "What can you do for me?" It has to be one of the three things because it's probably the most common reason why an aging narcissist will reach back out to you after so many silent years.
Think of it like this:
They want your money. They need a loyal contact. They want to ask you for a favor. They need a roof over their head. They need help with something they will never admit they're struggling with.
With aging comes a whole host of practical problems. People aren't always as fit or able as they once were, so they look to you to get them through whatever they're dealing with.
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Seeing as they're so unable to build genuine relationships, they tend to dig up old ones that once meant they could sponge off you in some way.
If there's a crisis, the narcissist will be scrolling through their phone and their own memory to figure out who best fits the bill to fix it for them.
You.
Once upon a time, their control over you was pretty darn strong, so they know it'll be easy to slide back into your life.
I genuinely miss you.
You'll hear or read those words, and you'll of course take them in like they really mean something to you.
From that, what builds slowly is a brand new connection with a person they have a history with.
Somewhere soon along the line will come their request, demand, or ask of you.
Right there and then is where it will make the most sense to you.
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3They need a special kind of validation from you
Please tell me that my life turned out fine. I need to know that everything I've been through is special to me.
Don't be surprised if you hear from that aging narcissist after years of silence. Most of the time, they prefer their audience to be people who knew them before; people who can easily and quickly validate them.
If you're shocked or admired by their progress, you're the real win for them in that moment, and they will love your reaction.
Look at me. Look how well I've been doing. Look at all the fantastic things I've done with my life. Look who I've become. I made something of myself.
What happens next is the narcissist will step back and wait for you to confirm everything they've told you.
You're amazing. You're so talented. I can't believe you achieved all of this.
A stranger won't know their full story, or the journey of how they got to where they are now like you do.
They can't help but come back into your life to brag and have you respond with all the good things you think about them.
Your reaction matters to them more than you think, but this is genuinely the only reason they're back in your life.
They don't care about you, or how you fill yours.
4They were unhappy with the ending and want to spin and reclaim control
Sounds a lot like something a narcissist would do, isn't it?
Reclaiming control is something no narcissist can bypass; they have to do what it takes in order to feel powered.
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What we're looking at here is a few things that may be true:
The relationship between you and the narcissist ended on your terms. They won't be able to stand that the control here was taken away, so returning means getting some of that back.
You backed away due to their lack of respect for your boundaries. Another, similar way for them to gain control is to return and try to force their way back into your life again. Will you still be that person who has strong boundaries, or will you crumble?
If an aging narcissist didn't write the ending between you, then don't imagine them to feel happy about it. Coming back feels as though they have a score to settle, but really they just want to rewrite what you wrote in their own, toxic way.
It'll be dressed up as wanting closure, or wanting to see how you are. They will say how bad they feel.
Don't believe a word of it.
They haven't grown or learned a lesson at all; they're just back for round two.
5This part is you: You owe them nothing
Remember this every single day, even on the quiet days where the narcissist isn't really showing themselves to be in your life.
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You'll be told by the narcissist that you owe them, but you don't. How can you owe an abuser anything at all?! They made your life hell.
Things between you have been silent for years, and you're more than entitled to a bit of peace.
Don't reply. Don't explain. Don't decline. Don't do anything.
Silence from you is your own way of drawing a line under a very bad experience…
…For good.
